Am I sad or something else?

The first time I was diagnosed with depression was when I was 19 years old. This wasn't the first time I was depressed though.

I was in my second year of college, and had just moved house as there had been a fire in the flats where I lived and a young woman a bit older than me had died. I thankfully wasn't there at the time but came back to where I lived and had to cross police tape and walk up stairs and smell the fire...

What made it worse is that mine was the flat below, and water damage had leaked through the ceiling, letting me know and reminding me about what had happened... I had lived in the flat above not two months before, but had moved down when it became free as it was bigger...
It was all too much to handle and I knew I would not be able to live there peacefully again.

At the time I was having tests on my heart as I was getting chest pains and palpitations on a regular occurrence... this was later established as it being down to stress, which should have been any ones first guess...
I was supported in my move by my key worker Janet and the leaving care team, but sadly not by others around me, who went on a slander attack to everyone that they knew saying I was attention seeking and causing a fuss because I wanted to move.

Then when a letter from the hospital got sent to my old house instead of mine, it was accidentally opened, the letter was about the ultra sound I had had done to see if I had any holes etc in my heart, which I knew I didn't as they said on the day it was fine... this however fuelled the attack of 'I was pretending to be ill for attention'.

The stress of this and also my own head getting to a point of MAKING me deal with my past got to much, I had a break down.
I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time, all I knew it that I felt numb, physically and mentally. I was walking around feeling like a shell on auto pilot, doing what I had to do to get by, but not actually being able to use my head... I would try and think of something and my brain would reply with a brick wall of nothing.

I was watching the series Dexter at the time, which is about a guy who is 'numb' to feelings because of a traumatising incident when he was a child... he would put on a mask and pretend emotions and have to guess what responses people wanted from him... I related completely with this at the time... maybe not the fact he was also a blood splatter analyst who killed murderers who had got away with it.... but the emotional aspect.

I was eventually taken to the doctors by a family friend when I was at their house and was just crying and didn't know why... she kindly went with me, as I don't think I would have been able to go on my own, and when I did get there I really did not know what to say.

My depression was also slandered, saying I was pretending to be depressed... and I am sure that anyone who has been depressed, it is NOT something you can pretend!

I was given anti depressants and sleeping pills as I was also having really bad insomnia. I took time of college, I think it was a month to sort myself out and be able to be 'me' again. The sleeping pills didn't work, they would knock me out for two hours then I would be awake again.. I also had a bad hallucination with them which really freaked me out so I stopped taking them.

I had a couple of sessions with a mental health nurse at college, but they came to an end when she went on long term sick as a girl she had been helping had committed suicide. The anti depressants helped to level out my hormones and this in turn helped me sleep a little better. I returned to college and pushed myself to get my work done... this involved allot of late nights in the learning centre.. I did my work and gained a Distinction grade for my Btec National Diploma in Uniformed Public Services.

It wasn't until I looked back to my diary of when I was 14-16 that I realised I was depressed then too... no one seemed to pick up on this, and even if they did I would have replied with my standard 'I'm ok'... which even today I find myself saying when I really am not.

My other main bout of depression was in my second year of university, again my brain was making me deal with issues I had... this time however I used the right networks and support and made myself go and have counselling. *(At this point I would like to thank my house mates at the time and three of my best friends Carlie, Alex and Lyndsey for putting up with me being a grumpy unsociable bugger and supporting me without judgement). I was told I would need at least a year.. I went for around 6 months, not to say I was completely 'right' after this time but I think I missed some sessions and they conflicted with university so I stopped going.

It was at this period that I really faced my demons and spoke and dealt with so many issues I had had over the years, mostly ones dealing with rejection by those closest to me.. I will never understand why my mother chose the life she has over her four children, but I have accepted it (mostly) and my way is to not let her into my life, because every time I do, I get hurt again.. she recently tried to add me on facebook... the 'friend' request is still there unanswered.. I don't want her in that part of my life.

I don't think I will get depressed again, I am aware of the signs where I feel sad or unstable and deal with them... I think if I was going to get depressed again, it would have been last year when my younger brother's dad passed away suddenly of Cancer. It was my last term of university and the beginning of the Easter holidays when he went into hospital... and passed away within three weeks. I had to complete my dissertation, two 3000 word essays and revise for two exams... to this day I am not sure how I managed to get a degree.. I left with a 2.2. I wrote my dissertation from Wednesday morning to Friday afternoon, didn't sleep, stayed in the library reading and writing... this is where my insomnia was useful, I didn't have time to really read it through and have not read it since. (not advisable to ANY student!!)

During this time I really wanted to just give up, and I was well within my rights to just drop the year and do it the next year... my course manager didn't let me.. now this is a woman who saw me at my worst and best and by her words was the only person to make her cry in the 20 odd years she had worked at the university (I hope she doesn't mind me sharing that!) I remember going in and saying 'I can't do this', and she straight up said no and said 'just do the work, doesn't matter if its not great because at least its done, and if you repeat the year something else will come up so just do it'... and I did! I owe my degree to this lady ... Renie! I am sure she wont agree and insist it was all me.  At my graduation my dad, nan and my mummy (step mum) came, and it was one of my proudest moments for myself... we went to the departmental lunch after and I introduced them to Renie, and we all had a little cry of success.

Instead of getting depressed I fought through and succeeded... this is possible for anyone who gets depressed, don't be ashamed to ask for help, or assistance... it doesn't make you less of a person, it makes you a stronger person. I am stronger than I have ever been in my life because I faced demons that I had, it wasn't my fault I had them, nor are your demons your fault.. it is just something that happens. No one person deals with a situation the same, I may be able to deal with some situations amazingly, while others leave me stuck and confused.

In the same way it takes strength to share the fact that you are a care leaver or looked after child, it takes MASSIVE strength to deal with depression... we only use 10% of our brain so how can we control when it wants to go 'errr computer says no!' We Can't! So accept that something may be wrong and you may be a little bit more that 'just sad', don't just say 'I'm fine' and use the tools that are so readily available.

Me and the Vice Chancellor



Mummy, me and Nan



Renie and Me

My dad said 'look happy'