Care Leaver Family

What is family?

The question is one that isn’t easy to answer. 

One which is made more complex if you have care experience. 

One thing I have learnt as I get older, and am more involved in networking, and working with other care lavers is the importance of my ‘Care Family’. A family that includes people I have never met, but share the knowledge and the feelings involved in having a care experience and isn't limited in its numbers. 

Its a connection that passes through country lines, through the class systems, through any system which would usually be a barrier to communication.

That moment that someone discloses that they have care experience, you look into their eyes and you know, that they know, that you know. - A connection. 

Those little things that made me feel like I was standing behind a wall when I tried communicating and connecting with my friends growing up, suddenly became an open door full of kindness, compassion and understanding. 

One thing I have found is a distinct creative trait within the Care family I have become a part of. Which makes sense, Brené Brown is very clear in her research that vulnerability is the birth place of creativity and innovation.. and we hear over and over that we are the most vulnerable in society, which surely mean that we also have the ability to be the most creative and innovative as we move through life? 

There is nothing ‘perfect’ about our lives and experiences, apart from maybe perfect disasters, which somehow we came through, bashed and bruised at times, but still here, still alive. 

In fact, when I see ‘perfection’ as it is seen in societies eyes, my warning lights start to flash, and I know someone is holding up a very big mask, that something is simmering underneath.. .wanting, fighting to come out. I know it, because I spent my teenage years and my early 20s with the same mask on, perceiving out that everything was ‘perfect’, now I don't know how well I wore this mask, but considering I conned myself and a lot of other people that everything was ‘okay’, when really I was breaking inside for a good amount of years.. I think I wore that mask very well indeed.  

I know I do not need that mask with my peers, I can just be. We can be open about out cuts and scars, but we don’t need to explain why we have them, there is no need for words. Going through the complexities of explaining, why I like certain things, why I act certain way, how I can just look at you and 90% of the time read exactly what is going on with you in that moment, what happened to me to get me where I am now, the pain I have gone through, the healing at the other end. 

I recently started talking to a care leaver peer I met through our online community, within half an hour we realised, how alike we were, and we knew that we would continue to have that connection through the rest of our lives. Within in a week we met in person, spent a day just talking and connecting… healing. 

I have these peers around the world, different ages, different experiences, some I have never met in person, but I know if I reach out, they are there. 

Which is what a family is right? Where ever they are in the world, when you need them, they are there. 

There are ways to reconnect with your peers, social media help with this a lot. Then there are different pathway, such as the Care Leavers Connect site, where you can join, find the groups and places you grew up in and reconnect with the peers you once knew there. 

The Care Leavers Association its self  is ‘an ever growing network of care leavers’, a place where your voice and experience can help change the future of the care system for the better, for you to have a safe connection, non judgemental, caring unconditionally, what ever age you are. 

The positive impact of a meaningful relationship with your After Care worker

This blog was originally written for Camden Local Authority Participation team and published on their Children in Care website 'BackChat' 

http://www.backchatonline.org.uk/blogs/my-voice/blog_articles/180-it-s-like-your-life-is-like-a-box-of-cornflakes 

When a child succeeds in life, generally there is a parent or carer behind them giving them support and motivation to succeed.

Care experienced young people cannot rely on this same positive input, why? Mainly because it is not something that can be guaranteed in the current care system. Isn’t that a depressing thought.. that in a system which is designed to replace the care of the parents, as the parents as judged not to fulfilling the needs of the child, the system cannot guarantee to give that child the positive care they need to succeed.

I know from my own experience, my motivation and push to achieve came not from my parents (until I found my dad later in life) but from the ‘professionals’ around me.

I had involvement with social services from the age of around 9 or 10 years old, a good couple of years before I went into care.  

My first involvement with social services was with a very kind woman Lynn who had lovely long blonde hair. She would take out me and my brother for milkshake to talk to us about how we were feeling and if we were happy and safe. I cannot remember how long she was our social worker for, as time passes differently as a child, and sadly this information is not in my care file. I know it upset both me and my brother when we were told she wouldn't be seeing us anymore… The flurry of social workers after this, I couldn't name, apart from David, this was once I was in care, and he did what he could to support my foster parents and me and my brother. He worked hard to get us extra things, like swim passes for the new swimming pool, a PC to be able to do homework on. But again, he was moved on. When I was approaching 16 my social worker went on long term sick, and my case given to a trainee social worker, who I remember was pretty impossible to get hold of, and I didn’t trust, as I felt like she really did not understand when I was having difficulties. My leaving care worker was introduced around the age of 16, and I remember at the time being very frustrated that I had yet more people involved in my life, more people to tell my story to, or explain things to again. I told them I didn't want their interaction at that time, which to their benefit, respected my request, until I approached them again at 17, when I felt it was time for me to start thinking about independent living.

Janet, my leaving care worker, was my worker for 8 years, she knew me very well, and I trusted her to guide me through issues, and through life decisions. She helped to explain to me why I was having a mental break down while at college and the process of feeling better…. ‘It is like your life is like a box of corn flakes, and at the moment everything has got too much and you have split the corn flakes on the floor and you are trying to place them all back in the box, very carefully as you do not want to break or damage any of the flakes.’ Now this may not make sense to everyone, but by giving me this explanation, she gave me the ability to know that I had to be gentle to myself in my recovery, that it wasn't my fault that I felt the way that I did. I left the service 4 years ago now, and I still speak to her and see her, and we always share a hug. I know that she will always have a place in my heart and my life.

I cannot pick out what exactly the effects were from having a long standing positive relationship with my leaving care worker, but I know that without that input I wouldn't be where I am today. I felt like she actually cared, and I am sure if you asked her, her response was that was because she did care. The feeling of being cared for cannot be falsified, you cannot put on a caring face and succeed in creating a positive relationship when your heart in not in it. Children read the adults around them very well, a child with care experience is able to do this at least 10 times better, so to create a positive, stable, meaningful relationship with a child in care, drop the falsity, drop the barriers, and open up the same way you expect a young person to do with you… and no I do not mean share your life story and your issues… just be human and be there, in person, and not in a file of our life.