"Well.. yesturday I turned 24 ..and as always I had a cry. Every year for a long time I have cried on my birthday, sometimes for good things sometimes for bad... but always for it not being remembered my own mother.
I do not want to dwell on this fact, as it cannot be changed by anything I do, unless I decide to start ringing her the day before to remind her.. and sadly that would mean talking to her and why should you have to remind someone the day they left their body after 9 months.. I would have thought it would be quite a memorable time.
I lost my nan recently (on my dads side)... the effects of this have been more than I have ever imagined. I feared that I was not actually able to grieve... I worked through my little brothers dad's death and my mind and body never let me get upset properly. "
I wrote this two weeks ago.. then couldn't face writing more so didn't.. but things change and I cannot keep my head in the sand.
My mother rang me yesterday... she had remembered my birthday, but due to the fact she is in rehab she was not able to call, as she was advised it wouldn't benefit her as she had just got there and been going through allot of counselling.
Speaking to her was like speaking to a child who was finally facing the world and no longer hiding from life... learning why she has done what shes done in the past.. her life patterns and how to change.
I am hopeful that the hard work she is doing will help heal the pain between us, I am aware that in response to her changing, I will change myself.
For a very long time I have had a barrier up again her... I have spent more of my life with it up than down.. I am aware that this affects me not only with her but also in how I am in life. I fear becoming attached to someone for them to hurt me.. I do not let myself become close to people, not as close as I should.
Will this change? Will I change? I know the answer, and it is a yes, but its not a negative change it is a positive one. This does not mean that I am not scared, because I am petrified... who isn't scared of change to some extent.
But I am ready, ready to face things ready to make changes and ready to heal and move on, leaving behind the pain that I have held on to for so long.
Monday 13 August 2012
Changing Tides of Life
Life is a perpetual fluid movement, moving through life, it is easy to become polluted by those around you and the enviroment - but water can always be cleaned.
An easy 'normal' life is like being a part of a river with the rest of of the water and rather than working hard you are pulled along with the movement already in force...
The harder route is the one through the rocks and the hills, the route that sends you through dark places, and along the way you can stop and stay in the cave pools, unwilling to come out of the darkness because its easy to stay hidden and not face the force and movement of the river of life, because you are not moving, you become stagnate, unable to deal with with things that come your way because you are lacking the energy from movement.
You can also become cold and frozen unable to move forward or change shape, you wont be polluted but you also cannot gain anything either, no sustenance can be added to you... it is your choice to become warm from the inside and melt and once again join the river of life.
To come through the rocks and caves is a hard route, and one that takes allot of effort, but when you come out at the bottom you have been cleansed by the hard route and have something more to you, something that is not gained by taking the easy route, or dwelling in the dark and cold. You are the expensive spring water on the shelf and can achieve more and give more to those around you.
When faced with hard life issues, it is easy to just ignore them and carry on, using the force of others to get by.. but you wont change or improve doing this.
To change and improve you must face and deal with the hard choices and decisions and look into yourself to recognise what pollutions you have gained along the way, and how and why you have them.
To recognise what has polluted you is key to moving forward, because once it is recognised it can be dealt with then let go for you to carry on with out the pollutions you had, and instead with the minerals and vitamins of life gained through the dealings of the hard route.
You would not drink from a muddy puddle so why would you hold on to things that make you muddy and polluted?
There is never too late a time to face your pollutions and become 'clean' and refreshed ready to face the river again.
An easy 'normal' life is like being a part of a river with the rest of of the water and rather than working hard you are pulled along with the movement already in force...
The harder route is the one through the rocks and the hills, the route that sends you through dark places, and along the way you can stop and stay in the cave pools, unwilling to come out of the darkness because its easy to stay hidden and not face the force and movement of the river of life, because you are not moving, you become stagnate, unable to deal with with things that come your way because you are lacking the energy from movement.
You can also become cold and frozen unable to move forward or change shape, you wont be polluted but you also cannot gain anything either, no sustenance can be added to you... it is your choice to become warm from the inside and melt and once again join the river of life.
To come through the rocks and caves is a hard route, and one that takes allot of effort, but when you come out at the bottom you have been cleansed by the hard route and have something more to you, something that is not gained by taking the easy route, or dwelling in the dark and cold. You are the expensive spring water on the shelf and can achieve more and give more to those around you.
When faced with hard life issues, it is easy to just ignore them and carry on, using the force of others to get by.. but you wont change or improve doing this.
To change and improve you must face and deal with the hard choices and decisions and look into yourself to recognise what pollutions you have gained along the way, and how and why you have them.
To recognise what has polluted you is key to moving forward, because once it is recognised it can be dealt with then let go for you to carry on with out the pollutions you had, and instead with the minerals and vitamins of life gained through the dealings of the hard route.
You would not drink from a muddy puddle so why would you hold on to things that make you muddy and polluted?
There is never too late a time to face your pollutions and become 'clean' and refreshed ready to face the river again.
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