No one ever told me that throughout life you will question your identity, that life is full of transitions.. and just because you have made one or two major transitions, does not mean that you are going to ‘be’ that person for the rest of your life.
Looking at it written on paper, it seems quite stupid of myself to assume somehow that I had done my transitioning and had reached the best I could be.
As you may have noticed, I have had a major break from writing, not because I do not care about my site, or the people that read my rambles, but because I have been going through a quite stressful and painful transition without taking notice of it and in all honesty, not feeling able to share myself during this time.
Sharing your experiences while you are going through a transitional situation is the hardest thing, because you do not know where it is taking you, and it can be a quite frightening period, where laying yourself out for judgement or criticism to everyone isn't healthy or helpful.
It requires self care, family, friends, safety, privacy.
I am now at the final part of my transition, figuring out where I am after, and ‘who I am’ from the experience.
My transition from being a parent to just being me, (yes in the that order)
For three years, my life has been dedicated to parenting my younger brother, a period of life where everything I did was to create a better life for him, a safer life, a happier life. To provide him with what I didn't have as a child.
It was not a planned parenting experience, it was abrupt, painful and very stressful, a situation that threw all of my own plans out the window to try and resolve the most horrendous situation my brother had been put into.
Don’t for a second think I would change this, and that I would move away from this parenting experience, because even if I relived that choice 100 times, the result would still be the same. Plus, these rambles are not about if I made the right choice, because I don’t even need to question that choice.. it is about where the experience took me.
Final term of university, and I finally got my head in gear to sit down and put all of my effort into my final term, I wanted a First on my dissertation, I knew I could do it if I put effort in… I had planned to spend the whole month in the library dedicated to the revision, and work required to achieve those high grades I wanted, that I deserved (I had discounted my lazy ways of the rest of my degree!), with plans in place from the Local Authority to help me study a Masters.
The first day of the holidays, I go to Lincoln to see my family, a Friday.. a weekend with family to charge my batteries for the big experience of actual hard work. I had not been there an hour before I received the phone call that changed my life forever.
Three years on from that date and my brother is leaving, we have both got the point where me being a 'parent' just isn't working anymore. We have got to the end of that journey, ready to transition back to being brother and sister. That was almost 3 months ago now.
My brother is happy, safe, stable, in education, exactly what I wanted for him.. but where has that left me?
When I am passionate about something, my whole self goes into it... those who know me, know I don't do things half arsed... It's all or nothing.
So baring this in mind... that I am passionate about family, it goes without saying that I threw everything at trying to help my brother.
To the extent that I made myself ill, this wasn't my brothers fault, I pushed myself too hard, too long, pushing and pushing instead of taking a step back ... it's hard to step back though when you just don't trust anyone else can do the job, that stepping back somehow meant I had failed.
I guess this could be the same of anyone who cares for a family member.. my thoughts go to the child carers out there, looking after siblings and parents.. because there just isn't anyone else to do the job.
Can we all pat ourselves on the back, and have a moment of realisation of what we are actually doing?
I had my first session of CBT this week, to help me get to 'me'... I wanted to say 'back to me', but actually, the version of me coming through has not existed before, and where ever I go in life... its not backwards!
Things I learned at this session,
- I have a deep imbedded self belief that I am not good enough (really...still?!?!)
- Belief that somehow I am where I am because I am a very good con artist, and actually I don't know what the hell I am talking about.. and that any moment someone is going to jump out and say 'HA TRICKED YOU!! GET BACK IN YOUR HOLE!!'
- I believe I don't deserve to do well... so I self criticise, put myself down (Again.. I thought I had dealt with this)
- I try and avoid situations where I might show weakness, because I believe that the weakness over takes the strengths in me
It is quite painful, sitting here, drinking a green tea.. putting down on paper these beliefs I have embedded inside myself... beliefs I thought I had dealt with.. and actually now I have not got the 'parent role' to hide behind.. I have to truly look at myself and actually get on with some self care, self belief work and change those beliefs from inside out to move on, and know who I am now.
The transition has started, where will it take me? To a better person, a kinder person, a more confident person ?
It won't take me a worse person, because thats not what this transition is about, its about looking after myself and actually being the person I am already to everyone else, to myself.. if that makes any sense at all? (Be kind to yourself!)
Welcome to my transition period, I hope me sharing my journey will help you on yours.
