Mental Health - A battle to feel okay (where are the services?)

So I am sure you have noticed that I have not posted in a long time.. And for that I am sorry. It has been a case of giving my time and energy to fighting to get my family the right services to help get them better.

For anyone who has tried to access mental health services/mutli team agencies you may have come up against the same brick walls as myself recently.. Here is my journey.. That I hope will help ease yours. 

I have become a full time care coordinator alongside my full time job at the Care Leavers Association and full time job as a parent/partner/keeping myself moving forwards.

The services at times have seemed to have no sense of urgency to help in my predicament.. With me constantly pushing different services for different answers to get to the end goal of having a good working support group for my brother to get him better and happy. 

It's hard... Really hard. I got to a point I were I was, what felt like, a day away from a complete breakdown .. I could not push myself any further. I sat in a ball crying trying to figure out what else I could do, trying to pull something, anything out from deep inside to carry on the losing battle. 

I couldn't put trust in anyone to get things done, because they just were not working fast enough and I was seeing the results of a person I love and adore spiral utterly out of control, hell bent on self destruction. 

I fell, stumbled, could not go on. I rang social services, held up my hands and cried that 'I could not do it' anymore'.. Then had to explain what 'it' was.. I had never had them involved before.. Nearly 3 years I had dealt with so much without anything. Maybe because a deep ingrained issue with social services involvement, scared of people making judgement of how I was parenting, living my life. 'You have been through care, you will be a shit parent' 

I was told they would do an assessment and 'help me' with my 'parenting skills', and to be perfectly honest I felt utterly insulted and pathetic.. Had it really all been my parenting that had got me to this point.. I doubted it, but agreed anyway. They would send someone next week.. At this point my brother had been missing a day and it was nearing 5pm on a Friday. No sense of urgency given.. 'If he doesn't come back, call the police'.. They could only bring him back, they wouldn't help me fix him and keep him safe. 

I spent a weekend not knowing what to do, I had been blocked on Facebook and my brother had turned his phone off.. He didn't want to be found. 

Sunday 5pm I get a phone call... 'Hi this is ... he is with us... But he is on the way to hospital... He drank bleach...' 

My heart dropped.. I had failed, I hadn't been listened to when I was desperately begging for help.. This wasn't my parenting.. He needed mental health help and I couldn't provide that. 

We beat the ambulance to the hospital then spent the next 7 hours trying to get him assessed/safe/admitted/anything 

They didn't want to admit him, he thankfully was physically fine.. But if he left I knew, and he knew he would do what ever he could to hurt himself. 'I don't see any other option to stop how I am feeling' 

We both begged for him to be admitted and he finally got a bed nearly 7 hours later.

At this point I had left a voice mail with adult mental health services  .. Where Oskar had a worker.. Not camhs.. They had apparently washed their hands with him once he turned 16. (Funny how if you are Inpatient you can use to service up to 18.. Just a thought) to tell them what had happened and that the fact he had only seen his worker 2 times in 3 months, wasn't working.

I contacted my boss ' I don't think I will be able to make it in tomorrow.. My brother drank bleach to kill himself.. I'm sorry' 

I went home, I didn't sleep. 

8.30 I rang the hospital.. 'How is he...'

9.00 I rang the adult services 'did you get my voice mail.. What's happening... ' 

'His worker was not in.. Only 2 staff on call.. Not sure what to do.. Can't really come out to us incase something happens here'

He needed a mental health assessment, he couldn't leave hospital without one and because we were 'out of area' there was (for once) an urgency of 'he's not ours, your services need to deal with this' 

'Our' services didn't come out.. We didn't know they weren't until 3pm.. 6 hours messing about, undecided on what to do next. The local camhs worker saw my brother at 4, said sorry repeatingly.. She could have seen him at 11am.. But was told by our services they would come.. They told her at 2 that actually they weren't. We were half hour drive from 'our' services.. Too far to go 'just in case' something happened elsewhere

15 mins with the worker and he has decided he needs to be in patient again.

But there are 'no beds'...

So there is no other option than to bring him home...?? But how do I look after him if I need to go to work? Nearly a week of me trying to go to work the services get him into a bed in a completely different local authority.. I thank that hopefully they will listen and help more than the last place. 

So off he goes there.. The first meeting is promising.. I feel confident.. Maybe this will help fix his issues.. And everything will be good...

A week in and this image is shattered... I get a phone call saying my brother has gone missing... He was meant to be back hours ago and isn't.. 

I ask the questions.. Whys he been aloud out when you know he is high risk? Why was he not supervised as you said he would be at the first meeting...

"This isn't a secure unit we can't force him to stay" utter lack of taking responsibility for the situation

Every few days for two weeks an incdent like this occurs, making me lose all trust in the services and making me very stressed about the whole situation. This also made my brother lose trust.. "They can't stop me, they can't help me"

He ended up leaving the place early due to posting a picture of him and another young person on Facebook.. The girl knew it was posted and was fine with it, it didn't say anything about the place or who she was.. He was thrown out.. She stayed

No plans in place 

I told them I can't keep him safe, "he can't come to me because if cannot keep him safe"...

Local CAMHS say no, a flurry of phone calls where no one knows what is going on, where he is going.. And I have to go pick him up as they will just release him into Leeds with no money or parent as he is 16 and not under a Section... Am I the only one who finds the idea and logic of letting a mentally unstable young person who is highly depressed just walk out of somewhere totally and utterly wrong?!

I spent over an hour on the phone to a worker there and said I wanted to complain.. To be told 'it probably won't go anywhere' ?! 

Umm what?

Anyway, he came home to me, I then had to spend more time working from home to watch him and keep him safe, insisted more needed to be done to help... Which we are now getting... 

We are now 4 months from that situation.. And I can finally sit back and spend time to look at the situation and really look at how the services did and didn't work. I fully believe that if I had not put so much effort and time into coordinating all the different services.. It would be a very different blog I would be writing. 

My brother is doing a lot better, he is getting regular support from different services and I feel has really matured, he's not dealt with all the different issues.. That is a long term battle but we are moving forwards, not battling round in a violent bubble of self distruction! 

It is a new year, and I promise to write more here, my energy levels are back, I can breath and think about the bigger picture again.

Thank you to all of those who stood and helped, sat and listened when I ranted/cried/stressed

To those who kept me going and provided a safe haven to recuperate 

The battle is won... But the war for better and more connected services is still very much ongoing - BRING IT ON 

 

25 and happy...

I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago.. sorry for the late post!!

PWow! So I have finally reached the age of a 1/4 of a century! 25 years old :)))  (Very happy btw :)))!!)

So lets rewind a year! Last year, my birthday had been unregistered by my mother, which has always made me cry on my birthday (too many years to remember!). I hoped at that time (last year) the help she was getting would 'create' her into the mummy I never had.. Sadly is never came to be....( some damage just cannot be resolved...)

This year I didn't shed one single tear.... Ok well maybe I let a couple out..but they were due to laughter of the present my big brother created .. a canvas of me with a Mustache 

...even though she didn't contact me.. Through the many ways of virtual contact.. Text, phone call, Facebook...! I think I accepted really at 10/11 or maybe before, that actually 'mum' was never going to be there for the big B-Day (or any bday?!) wow sad I know! 

Can we cheer this up abit?!?

Anyway So this year... Life is still (very much) moving forward! 

The year may not have been always positive... I have had to deal with ups and downs that .. (Christ,) has been hard at times.. It's tested my 'parent' skills to the most upper level (the parenting of my little brother.. I didn't become an actual mum in the last year!) .. Or did I?

Anyway, although the year has had it's hard factors.. I still can not get my head around how amazing and actually positive the last year has been. 

I know hands down that at every turn and choice, I could have taken one of two routes... Positive (yay!) or negative (boooo!) 

Maybe not every time I have taken the positive route.. (Because WOWZA that's really hard to do when life sucks so bad!!! )A few times I have taken the negative route because it was so easy.. But then,  when I pulled my head together and thought about what was going on.. I was pulled back (yes not willingly) to the positive (blegh you can't be positive right?) 

But I actually am (positive).. Because I am alive (very lucky!).. And I am moving (positively) forward in life. I didn't always move 'forward'.. For a good few years I was stuck fast feeling just crap about everything and everyone..( And sometimes I have that slight moment when it flushes back...Buuut everyone has those right?!) 

But once I started to take a step back from my issues..I saw a big, bigger picture.. More than I saw usually (because I have always wanted to 'know' why the world works..and how it does) 

I am a very happy place in life .. A happier one than this time last year.. If you can believe! (Even with a sleep talking bf, who wakes me up with his sleep chit chat in the night <3... 'Yes of course Sheffield United will win'...umm what?! ) 

So I suppose this blog is about thinking about the slight (or massive) positives when life just massively and ultimately gets you down and out. And I know, it's sometimes hard to connect when sometimes I don't share everything that I go through...but my life is my own and I try to share what will not negativity effect those who I care about in the future (or now) it's their life in the end.. And it's not my place to share their's! 

They are there (the positives!) but sometimes they are hard to see ...FYI my bf just slept talked the following line 'i don't want the buildings to get cross' I just cannot be negative when i get told such words of wisdom ..sarcasm aside.. (I have not got a clue what his sleep talk means!!)...and sorry for the random distraction! 

Life is a positive in its self.. It's such a delicate thing. I lost one of my cats this week, Merri.. My youngest cat (kitten, really, 7 months old) he was sadly run over .. What I like to think a careless driver (although I swerved and avoided a baby rabbit when driving!) took him away from my family I have created. It's been a sad week... A lot for my other cat.. He really misses him.. A lot! 

But I am getting a new puppy, so one life is lost but another enters my life.. What a cycle. 

When you are struggling to see any positives in life.. Start small! You are Alive (positive) TRUST ME! The world is better off with you IN IT not WITHOUT you! 

Work from there... Create a list.

What are you feelin crap about.. How can you change it? 

What is positive? 

Life?

Home?

Friends?

Family?

Education? 

I am aware that half of those things are harder to come by for Care Leavers... But Not unatainable. 

To the next year of my life! 

One Year

So this time last year....

I was blogging about attending the Buttle Conference 

I was starting to feel settled in my role at Sheffield Hallam University 

I was staring to feel more confident about my abilities and myself 

I was parenting my younger brother and he was starting his 4 school in 2 years due to us moving after his dad passed away

I had began my path in a work career 

What's happened in the past year??

My brother is achieving at school and actually wants to go to his exams (wowza) he's just completed it last exam! 

I have moved on from Sheffield Hallam University to the Care Leavers Association

I have gained massive confidence in my work and self 

I have had two articles published by the Guardian 

I have shared part of my life in Lisa Cherry's book 'The Brightest of Stars' 

I have shared my educational journey in the NIACE publication 'Voices' 

I met someone I actually want to spend the rest of my life with.. Another big wowza!!   

Just a few of my achievements off the top of my head! 

It's amazing what a year can do, how support and growth can move you forwards with such speeds. I look back at the first blog I wrote and it sounds like a different person to the one sat writing this one. I know iv changed..and I know it's all for the better. 

At the Buttle conference this year it was a lot more user led.. One care leaver used his time to thank those people who had pushed him when he didn't believe in himself - Scott King. 

I see myself in him and recognise the overwhelming feeling of gratitude for certain people... The first belief in many years or what seems like the first time ever. 

Recognising and accepting help from anyone is a massive deal... And being able to thank those is another big step. 

It's a world of unknown.. Am I doing this right? Are these the right people to let help me? Why are they helping me!?!  Am I actually worth something?? Where do I go from here? What do I do when I move on? Who will be there then?!? 

(These are real questions, questions I believe no child or young person should ever have to ask themselves nor adult for that matter. )

But before I go off on a tangent... I wanted to spend some time thanking  a few people who believed in me and pushed me in the last year.

1. Jayne Taylor - wow what a woman... She saw my raw passion and worth and spent a year (of really hard work sometimes ) to cultivate my skills and help me grow my confidence, strength, work skills, presentation skills, writing skills ... And most of all.. The ability to open my heart and break down my hardened walls  of 'I don't need anyone' 'I don't want to be close to anyone' 'I don't trust anyone' 

She looked after me when life got too much and gave me real advice 

She took me to one side when things went wrong.. And didn't criticise me but helped me to see where I has gone wrong and supported me to rebuild trust again 

She became a friend that I could rant to about stupid things and serious things 

When I got to a point in my role, where I had embedded the LAC project into a rolling project... I had created a lovely database to enable anyone to pick up the project and know where things were and helped to create links within the university  to expand the support for care leavers... I had done what the fixed term role was meant to do... To make sure the project would and could carry on - to be sustainable. 

It was around Christmas that I was pondering about my job, I still had another half a year on my contract and could have got another job in the university after this or maybe stayed in the same team.. But it would mean moving away from the area of Looked After Children and Care Leavers... And I did not want to do this.. So I spoke to Jayne and she gave me this sigh of relief.. She didn't want me to stay and move away from my passion.. She wanted me to move forward and keep flying and achieving.. Then like magic an email popped into my inbox the next day for a role at the Care Leavers Association... But we will move onto that later

The final thing I would like to thank Jayne for.... mending my broken wings to enabling me to fly .... 

Thank you Jayne Taylor .. I will never ever forget you! 

I would like to thank Nicola Clarke and the rest of the Sparks family.. 

Their involvement in my life started more than a year ago and actually enabled me to be in a happy, safe environment that I could actually apply and get the job at Hallam..

What I would like to thank for, is the continued support since they let both me and Oskar live with them for 3 months when I had nowhere to live or go after my relationship broke down. 

I have not always seen them as often as I want, but I know they are at the end of an email, a phone call and when shit hits the fan they are there to help things moving again! Without their support this year I would have really struggled!! 

Thank you for letting us be a part of your family and have silly antics, play card games till late and wear stick on mushtashs for every special occasion! 

Ahh my friends...my friends really are my family I chose! I know a lot of people, but I have limited close friends.. Those who know the depths and darkness and pull me through it all. I don't need to mention names because they know what they know and support me when I need it and that's all that matters. 

I want to thank my older brother for moving away from his job and home to help to parent our little brother. We have bossed the hell out of Kinship Care!! It's not always been easy.. And I'm not just talking about arguing about who's turn it is to wash up.. No one has given us a manual for 'how to parent a teenager, when you have no parenting experience and have only just left teenagehood yourself'.. And a lot of the time we have made things up as we go along, but we have agreed on the major things and prevailed even when the world seemed to failing apart around us. 

Thank you Arend for supporting me when I needed it and letting me support you when you need it! :) 

My baby brother Oskar... The light in my life.. A hard one to tend to sometimes but you truly are. You push me to succeed to make sure you have the best possible life. Yesterday you reached the grand old age of 16.. Oh to be 16.. (Nah not for me!) You Mr O are the strongest, most resilient, funny, intelligent, amazing young man I know. Life just goes up from here my lovely and we are here to support you all the way.. Even if you do make some daft life choices sometimes :p 

These are just a few people I am thankful of in my life.. But they are the main players in the last year. 

I feel that at no point in life should you forget to thank those who have been there and supported you.. Even if you didn't realise they were.. Don't push them away and decide life is easier without.. Because I can tell you from being on both sides.. It really is not! 

Sharing happiness, creates happiness 

You cannot give a hug without receiving one (one person I know believe you need at least 5 hugs a day.. Go on try it!)

Thank you also to all that read and share my rambles :)

Caring should come with a health hazard warning

I sadly start to write this blog from a very demoralized and empathetic position (which is a shame because my lack of blogging of late, has been due to me being so busy doing great things in the area). I hope that getting out my worries and concerns on the certain issues will re-inspire me.... here goes! 


For those who know me, and those who have just stumbled upon my page I would like to share some information and concerns I have that are currently causing me a fair amount of stress and disgruntlement. 

I care;

I care for the well being of my friends and family
I care for those less and more fortunate than myself
I care for young people in care and care leavers 

I care ALOT about making positive changes to how things work in a whole manner of issues, but I am mainly known for the fact I wish to make, (and will) make positive changes to the outcomes of young people in care and leaving care. 

Caring has sadly meant I have left myself open to becoming stressed and upset about certain recent issues... 

When I first really started working in the area of looked after children and care leavers I felt so inspired, so happy that I was making a positive difference, amazed that my (care experienced..10 years of personal experiences for those who require that information) voice had meaning behind it and was recognized for this. This continued to grow with my work with my University I attended, and the work I carried out with them and local looked after children. Then my role at Sheffield Hallam University... and now my current role at the Care Leavers Association as the Young Peoples Project Coordinator. 

In my most recent role, I have become more involved with working with other organisations who support young people and care leavers and on the whole it has mostly been a great experience (which is saying something considering I am only a month in) 

Now I may be being completely nieve and totally off wack, but I presumed that organisations who support this vulnerable cohort would want to work together, would share expertise, would listen and share best practice and wish to learn from different expertise, from different areas and different experiences.. Apparently I was wrong. 

Now I love politics, I am an active member of my local political party, I studied International Relations (pretty much international politics) at University and I am always up for a debate on issues... but the politics from certain organisations I have come across so far in my role has been completely and utterly ridiculous. It is not the politics I know and love, it is one of complete opposition using a quite Dictatorship style of communication and actions. 'My way of thinking or the high way'

dic·ta·tor·ship

 

noun

1.

a country, government, or the form of government in which absolute power is exercised by a dictator.

2.

absolute, imperious, or overbearing power or control.

3.

the office or position held by a dictator.

Which to me seems completely ridiculous considering apparently the main key aim is to support and help make changes for young people in care and care leavers. (I will come back to this)

I fully believe that change is a constant, the world is constantly moving forwards, there are different theories of 'how' the world is moving forwards, but it cannot be argued that time continues on (unless a time machine has been invented and I don't know about it). 

In the world of technology, new programs/systems/etc have moved forward at enormous speeds in the last 20 years. Children now have their whole life followed and published online, via Facebook pictures of them when they were mealy a couple of weeks old and not yet born, and following them upwards as they age, for them to one day be tagged in these pictures in their own 'profile' ... Times have changed! 

In the world of the care system, things have changed also, not always for the positive (a whole different agenda) but there are laws and support in the area that now exist, that didn't exist 30 years ago, or even 15 years ago or a year ago. 

Which is a POSITIVE change and improvement. 

Alas there are still issues of the system failing some young people, in the same way  they were failed many years ago.. so work still has to be done, and these areas should be published and known about, to be able to make changes. (VAST Knowledge is key)

This is where my first issue lies.... to be able to collect such information, collate and then publish and voice the issues is a big challenge. 

Not only is everyone's experience different, and no one person's outcome the same, due to far to many external and internal factors, but also the massive variants in dealing with their experiences. (this doesn't make any young person or care leaver voice less important, but an understanding must be had that, yes you may have experienced things one way, doesn't mean that it can or should be used as a singular example for every issue)

To collect all these experiences in a concise way, with a key aim of WHERE the issues are, and WHERE and WHEN the issues need to be dealt with, requires research, knowledge and the ability to listen and respect each person who voices their experience. (this is not an ability that everyone has, and generally requires not only the knowledge to carry it out, but also the right type of person) 

To then publish and voice the issues in a way which is listening to, understood and then used, again requires certain skills and way of communication. 

Example:

A child is screaming and shouting and angry because something has happened

Another child is calm and concise about an issue and speaks about something that has happened 


Who do you listen to? 

Yes, the child who is screaming and shouting is making more noise, but the messages they are trying to communicate are hidden by anger and confusion and the inability to voice their issues in a way which can bring about a easy solution. Attempting to talk to the child does not help as they refuse to listen, as they are too caught up in expressing themselves; loudly. After sometime, you are likely to throw in a towel and wait until the child has calmed down, as you know that they are not listening to you, so how can you listen to them?

The other child who knows what happened, and speaks to you,  they may also be upset about the issue, but they are calm enough to speak, then listen to you and take on board what you have to say about the issue. 

If the issue is not communicated in a concise way, then misunderstandings, and mistakes can easily happen, and how can an issue be resolved if its not understood?

In relation to issues in the care system, it is the same. The organisations  institutions, MPs, PMs, etc etc cannot understand or help with an issue, if its tainted with anger and confusion and the inability to listen to other people voices and input.

Yes you may be a loud voice, but are you communicating right? 

I now go back to my issue of certain organisations not communicating in the right manner and in my view using a dictatorship style of communication. 

Those who follow my Twitter may have already seen my utter disgust of being blocked by a 'federation' of care leavers, because I did not agree with what they were communicating, or how they were communicating... (I am assuming this is why, as they have not said anything to me, just blocked me)

It was a disagreement on 'experts', who are they are, what can they be experts on. I fully believe that you can be an expert of your own experience  because, hey its your life, you SHOULD know it.. (apart of course from those are unable to understand what has happened in their life, through no fault of their own) 

One of my first blogs was about the fact that I didn't know myself fully, so how could those around me know me? So I believe even I am not an expert on myself, and those things I do understand, I have learnt using tools such as counselling, given by not someone who was a care leaver, but an expert in the area of helping people understand their issues. 

  
I disagreed with a statement which pretty much said that if you were not a care leaver, you did not have a right to speak, or research in the area - you cannot be an expert, you can only have understanding nothing more. 

Yes, they may not have experienced time in care, but it does not mean they can be an expert in the field, by carrying out research and openly gaining the care leaver voice in advice?

The example I used was 'being an alcoholic does not make you an expert on alcoholism' which was replied with 

'In fact alcoholics are experts in their own lives: See AA, In fact 12 steps is excellent, saves lives, creates change' 

I was unable to respond to this, as I had already been blocked by them on twitter, and only saw the comment which mentioned me, because I could see through a different profile... leaving it look like I have not responded.. which is untrue and a childish tactic. 

My response here.. 

Yes the AA was created by two people who were recovered alcoholics, but the work carried out with the authors to help recover them was by a specialist in the area, who hadn't been an alcoholic but had carried out vast amounts of research in the area, and provided the tools and knowledge to them help create the 12 steps. I am sure if they were alive today they would not quite the researchers in the area of alcoholism because they may not have dealt with the issue of alcoholism personally. 12 steps is also just one tool, which isn't used by every alcoholic, not works for every alcoholic... which is why alcoholism is still an issue today and why research is still carried out.

Bringing it back to the issue of the care system, there are tools and regulations in place to support and care for this cohort, but they do not work or include everyone which is why continued research is required.

This links to my main issue of disgruntlement 

How can treating researchers in the area with an air of 'non expertise  and personal knowledge in the area' be helpful to the cause? How can silencing myself, and other care leavers (apparently those who they are meant to be helping) because they disagree with a subject helpful? 

It altogether gives me the impression of a dictatorship voice; one that silences those who do not agree, even if they are an 'expert' by their definition. 


I write this blog as a warning to others;

Through life people will try and stifle your voice, because they either don't agree and so don't wish to know another side, or they just do not care.


Do not fall into the trap that those appearing to 'help' are actually helping, as you may find, that if you voice your disagreement you are silenced, very quickly. 

If you are 'silenced' find other ways of communicating...

Final thought...

Maybe it is the stench of irony that irritates me... all through care my voice was not listened to, and now as an adult I am silenced by those who know full well what it is like to have been through this, because they are care leavers and 'experts' in these issues?

I leave it to your own interpretation as to why they have acted in this way. I do however feel a lot better, than when I started writing this blog (success!) 

My next blog will be a positive one (pinky promise!) 

Why can I not write?

Its happened again, I have neglected my writing, because again I am struggling to put pen to paper, and cannot decide 'what' to write.

I suppose there is SO much going on at the moment it would be hard to pin point on just one thing?

So I will pick the main thing and go from there!

A NEW JOB! I will be leaving my role at Sheffield Hallam University to start a year role at the Care Leaver Association

I will be sad to leave Hallam, for me it has been my starting point of really getting into the work related to Looked After Children and Care Leavers. But I have come to the stage where I knew I have to take the next step and do more in the area.

My new article is also out, which covers my worries of Local Authorities cutting funding to care leavers in Higher Education. If you are a care leaver and are not sure if you are getting the right funding, then contact me and I can see what I can do.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/social-care-network/2013/feb/06/councils-cutting-funding-care-leavers

Did you also know the law changed last year, and local authorities are legally required to support care leavers up to 25 if you are in education or training. Even if you have left the local authority care... again if you are having issues with this let me know.

I have also recently written a piece for NIACE   as they are producing a publication of care leaver voices and their experiences of the education. I will post this once it is released.

So really, I have been doing allot of writing... just not on here (bad Carrie!)

I am hoping that my now hour train trip each way to my new job will enable to write more :)


Chow for now!