Words of explanation just don't want to come out, I feel muted and stuck... I have pushed myself to far for too long and my head and heart have pulled the emergency stop button, leaving me feeling stuck and not sure how to start moving forwards again.
As I have mentioned before, I have had difficulties with caring for my brother, I thought a new year and a lovely Christmas was the start of it being easier for once. I was wrong, behaviour has slipped, my heart and head has had to deal with him going missing twice in as many weeks. I just feel like I have got a point where I can't go forwards anymore.. My head and heart won't let me deal with it.. I have exhuasted all my routes I can give.
I had a meeting with a support worker last week, who told me I take too much on and don't have enough time for myself, I sat there and cried for 20 mins. I have pushed myself to breaking point to try and be the best person I can be, and instead pushed myself too far and feel broken.
What happens now? Practically social services are now getting more involved to help and support.. What this means I don't know as none of the other meetings and workers seem to have made any difference, apart from taking my time and energy to attend said meetings and explain everything over and over.
Emotionally... I don't know, I am at point on my life that I didn't think I would allow myself to be again, a point where I can't move forwards.. Pushed forwards with words of 'your doing a great job' 'just keep going he will realise in time what you are doing for him' from the professionals around me..And so I did, not wanting to fail my brother or myself.. and it's has left me exhausted in all ways.
What's next? I don't know. I need to pull myself together again, I need to heal myself.. Because right now, I am doing no good and am no good for anything other than wanting to sit in a ball and let life go on around round me without responding.
Time will heal the hurt and pain I know this... I just don't feel like I have time to have time. How ironic.
I just want to cry it all out...
