To be a selfless person, is sometimes a hard task... I do not actively try to be a selfless person, but more often that not my personality directs me in that way.
I guess I am this way because I grew up with 'nothing', so understand what it is like to be disadvantaged and empathise... Then I think back to when I was a small child, I must have been around 3 or 4 and the news was on.
There was a story about children starving in Bosnia due to the war going on...I remember getting very upset about this and crying to my mum saying it wasn't fair.. even at this young age I was aware and empathised with those in a worse off position.
My mother however off in her little world as she is, has also been a 'caring' person (I use this word loosely). An example of this is when I was a young girl she would tell me of plans of filling up a massive truck full of food and taking it over to Africa to help the people there... a lovely dream but completely unattainable in her position and sadly would have very little effect.. I suppose her heart was in the right place.
I wonder if this is why I try and help those in need, although I think I would be delving into a psychological
analysis of my personality if I thought about it too much.
All I am aware of, it that by doing what I do and helping others, in turn helps me. A fellow Care Leaver that I have contact with, also feels the same, she has been able to move forward in her life and deal with issues because she is helping others.
I enjoy sharing my experiances, and the more I share the easier and less painful it becomes. Since my blog has become public I have had alot of positive responses from charties, freinds, family and complete strangers... One charity has appoached me and asked me to join their advisory team Stepping Up UK. I was amazed that my voice was wanted to be heard and was so important to them.
I have chosen to support this charity, not only because of the passion of Angela but also the positive projects they are carrying out. The one that stood out to me was their mentoring project. While at Univeristy of Leciester I was a Care Leaver Mentor, who would work on their outreach projects with Looked After Children and now I unoffically mentor a couple of Care Leavers.When I say mentor I mean, I talk to them and give them advice when I can and just be there for them. I know this has a positive effect not only the Care Leavers but also myself.
As I have mentioned before in my words, it takes one person to make a positive difference to a young persons life, one person for them to be proud of and one person to change the outcome of a care leaver.
Could you be that one person? I know I am for at least two people in my life...
Contact details for Stepping Up UK
http://steppingupuk.org.uk/ https://twitter.com/#!/stepping_up_uk
Thursday 17 May 2012
Thursday 10 May 2012
Am I sad or something else?
The first time I was diagnosed with depression was when I was 19 years old. This wasn't the first time I was depressed though.
I was in my second year of college, and had just moved house as there had been a fire in the flats where I lived and a young woman a bit older than me had died. I thankfully wasn't there at the time but came back to where I lived and had to cross police tape and walk up stairs and smell the fire...
What made it worse is that mine was the flat below, and water damage had leaked through the ceiling, letting me know and reminding me about what had happened... I had lived in the flat above not two months before, but had moved down when it became free as it was bigger...
It was all too much to handle and I knew I would not be able to live there peacefully again.
At the time I was having tests on my heart as I was getting chest pains and palpitations on a regular occurrence... this was later established as it being down to stress, which should have been any ones first guess...
I was supported in my move by my key worker Janet and the leaving care team, but sadly not by others around me, who went on a slander attack to everyone that they knew saying I was attention seeking and causing a fuss because I wanted to move.
Then when a letter from the hospital got sent to my old house instead of mine, it was accidentally opened, the letter was about the ultra sound I had had done to see if I had any holes etc in my heart, which I knew I didn't as they said on the day it was fine... this however fuelled the attack of 'I was pretending to be ill for attention'.
The stress of this and also my own head getting to a point of MAKING me deal with my past got to much, I had a break down.
I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time, all I knew it that I felt numb, physically and mentally. I was walking around feeling like a shell on auto pilot, doing what I had to do to get by, but not actually being able to use my head... I would try and think of something and my brain would reply with a brick wall of nothing.
I was watching the series Dexter at the time, which is about a guy who is 'numb' to feelings because of a traumatising incident when he was a child... he would put on a mask and pretend emotions and have to guess what responses people wanted from him... I related completely with this at the time... maybe not the fact he was also a blood splatter analyst who killed murderers who had got away with it.... but the emotional aspect.
I was eventually taken to the doctors by a family friend when I was at their house and was just crying and didn't know why... she kindly went with me, as I don't think I would have been able to go on my own, and when I did get there I really did not know what to say.
My depression was also slandered, saying I was pretending to be depressed... and I am sure that anyone who has been depressed, it is NOT something you can pretend!
I was given anti depressants and sleeping pills as I was also having really bad insomnia. I took time of college, I think it was a month to sort myself out and be able to be 'me' again. The sleeping pills didn't work, they would knock me out for two hours then I would be awake again.. I also had a bad hallucination with them which really freaked me out so I stopped taking them.
I had a couple of sessions with a mental health nurse at college, but they came to an end when she went on long term sick as a girl she had been helping had committed suicide. The anti depressants helped to level out my hormones and this in turn helped me sleep a little better. I returned to college and pushed myself to get my work done... this involved allot of late nights in the learning centre.. I did my work and gained a Distinction grade for my Btec National Diploma in Uniformed Public Services.
It wasn't until I looked back to my diary of when I was 14-16 that I realised I was depressed then too... no one seemed to pick up on this, and even if they did I would have replied with my standard 'I'm ok'... which even today I find myself saying when I really am not.
My other main bout of depression was in my second year of university, again my brain was making me deal with issues I had... this time however I used the right networks and support and made myself go and have counselling. *(At this point I would like to thank my house mates at the time and three of my best friends Carlie, Alex and Lyndsey for putting up with me being a grumpy unsociable bugger and supporting me without judgement). I was told I would need at least a year.. I went for around 6 months, not to say I was completely 'right' after this time but I think I missed some sessions and they conflicted with university so I stopped going.
It was at this period that I really faced my demons and spoke and dealt with so many issues I had had over the years, mostly ones dealing with rejection by those closest to me.. I will never understand why my mother chose the life she has over her four children, but I have accepted it (mostly) and my way is to not let her into my life, because every time I do, I get hurt again.. she recently tried to add me on facebook... the 'friend' request is still there unanswered.. I don't want her in that part of my life.
I don't think I will get depressed again, I am aware of the signs where I feel sad or unstable and deal with them... I think if I was going to get depressed again, it would have been last year when my younger brother's dad passed away suddenly of Cancer. It was my last term of university and the beginning of the Easter holidays when he went into hospital... and passed away within three weeks. I had to complete my dissertation, two 3000 word essays and revise for two exams... to this day I am not sure how I managed to get a degree.. I left with a 2.2. I wrote my dissertation from Wednesday morning to Friday afternoon, didn't sleep, stayed in the library reading and writing... this is where my insomnia was useful, I didn't have time to really read it through and have not read it since. (not advisable to ANY student!!)
During this time I really wanted to just give up, and I was well within my rights to just drop the year and do it the next year... my course manager didn't let me.. now this is a woman who saw me at my worst and best and by her words was the only person to make her cry in the 20 odd years she had worked at the university (I hope she doesn't mind me sharing that!) I remember going in and saying 'I can't do this', and she straight up said no and said 'just do the work, doesn't matter if its not great because at least its done, and if you repeat the year something else will come up so just do it'... and I did! I owe my degree to this lady ... Renie! I am sure she wont agree and insist it was all me. At my graduation my dad, nan and my mummy (step mum) came, and it was one of my proudest moments for myself... we went to the departmental lunch after and I introduced them to Renie, and we all had a little cry of success.
Instead of getting depressed I fought through and succeeded... this is possible for anyone who gets depressed, don't be ashamed to ask for help, or assistance... it doesn't make you less of a person, it makes you a stronger person. I am stronger than I have ever been in my life because I faced demons that I had, it wasn't my fault I had them, nor are your demons your fault.. it is just something that happens. No one person deals with a situation the same, I may be able to deal with some situations amazingly, while others leave me stuck and confused.
In the same way it takes strength to share the fact that you are a care leaver or looked after child, it takes MASSIVE strength to deal with depression... we only use 10% of our brain so how can we control when it wants to go 'errr computer says no!' We Can't! So accept that something may be wrong and you may be a little bit more that 'just sad', don't just say 'I'm fine' and use the tools that are so readily available.
I was in my second year of college, and had just moved house as there had been a fire in the flats where I lived and a young woman a bit older than me had died. I thankfully wasn't there at the time but came back to where I lived and had to cross police tape and walk up stairs and smell the fire...
What made it worse is that mine was the flat below, and water damage had leaked through the ceiling, letting me know and reminding me about what had happened... I had lived in the flat above not two months before, but had moved down when it became free as it was bigger...
It was all too much to handle and I knew I would not be able to live there peacefully again.
At the time I was having tests on my heart as I was getting chest pains and palpitations on a regular occurrence... this was later established as it being down to stress, which should have been any ones first guess...
I was supported in my move by my key worker Janet and the leaving care team, but sadly not by others around me, who went on a slander attack to everyone that they knew saying I was attention seeking and causing a fuss because I wanted to move.
Then when a letter from the hospital got sent to my old house instead of mine, it was accidentally opened, the letter was about the ultra sound I had had done to see if I had any holes etc in my heart, which I knew I didn't as they said on the day it was fine... this however fuelled the attack of 'I was pretending to be ill for attention'.
The stress of this and also my own head getting to a point of MAKING me deal with my past got to much, I had a break down.
I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time, all I knew it that I felt numb, physically and mentally. I was walking around feeling like a shell on auto pilot, doing what I had to do to get by, but not actually being able to use my head... I would try and think of something and my brain would reply with a brick wall of nothing.
I was watching the series Dexter at the time, which is about a guy who is 'numb' to feelings because of a traumatising incident when he was a child... he would put on a mask and pretend emotions and have to guess what responses people wanted from him... I related completely with this at the time... maybe not the fact he was also a blood splatter analyst who killed murderers who had got away with it.... but the emotional aspect.
I was eventually taken to the doctors by a family friend when I was at their house and was just crying and didn't know why... she kindly went with me, as I don't think I would have been able to go on my own, and when I did get there I really did not know what to say.
My depression was also slandered, saying I was pretending to be depressed... and I am sure that anyone who has been depressed, it is NOT something you can pretend!
I was given anti depressants and sleeping pills as I was also having really bad insomnia. I took time of college, I think it was a month to sort myself out and be able to be 'me' again. The sleeping pills didn't work, they would knock me out for two hours then I would be awake again.. I also had a bad hallucination with them which really freaked me out so I stopped taking them.
I had a couple of sessions with a mental health nurse at college, but they came to an end when she went on long term sick as a girl she had been helping had committed suicide. The anti depressants helped to level out my hormones and this in turn helped me sleep a little better. I returned to college and pushed myself to get my work done... this involved allot of late nights in the learning centre.. I did my work and gained a Distinction grade for my Btec National Diploma in Uniformed Public Services.
It wasn't until I looked back to my diary of when I was 14-16 that I realised I was depressed then too... no one seemed to pick up on this, and even if they did I would have replied with my standard 'I'm ok'... which even today I find myself saying when I really am not.
My other main bout of depression was in my second year of university, again my brain was making me deal with issues I had... this time however I used the right networks and support and made myself go and have counselling. *(At this point I would like to thank my house mates at the time and three of my best friends Carlie, Alex and Lyndsey for putting up with me being a grumpy unsociable bugger and supporting me without judgement). I was told I would need at least a year.. I went for around 6 months, not to say I was completely 'right' after this time but I think I missed some sessions and they conflicted with university so I stopped going.
It was at this period that I really faced my demons and spoke and dealt with so many issues I had had over the years, mostly ones dealing with rejection by those closest to me.. I will never understand why my mother chose the life she has over her four children, but I have accepted it (mostly) and my way is to not let her into my life, because every time I do, I get hurt again.. she recently tried to add me on facebook... the 'friend' request is still there unanswered.. I don't want her in that part of my life.
I don't think I will get depressed again, I am aware of the signs where I feel sad or unstable and deal with them... I think if I was going to get depressed again, it would have been last year when my younger brother's dad passed away suddenly of Cancer. It was my last term of university and the beginning of the Easter holidays when he went into hospital... and passed away within three weeks. I had to complete my dissertation, two 3000 word essays and revise for two exams... to this day I am not sure how I managed to get a degree.. I left with a 2.2. I wrote my dissertation from Wednesday morning to Friday afternoon, didn't sleep, stayed in the library reading and writing... this is where my insomnia was useful, I didn't have time to really read it through and have not read it since. (not advisable to ANY student!!)
During this time I really wanted to just give up, and I was well within my rights to just drop the year and do it the next year... my course manager didn't let me.. now this is a woman who saw me at my worst and best and by her words was the only person to make her cry in the 20 odd years she had worked at the university (I hope she doesn't mind me sharing that!) I remember going in and saying 'I can't do this', and she straight up said no and said 'just do the work, doesn't matter if its not great because at least its done, and if you repeat the year something else will come up so just do it'... and I did! I owe my degree to this lady ... Renie! I am sure she wont agree and insist it was all me. At my graduation my dad, nan and my mummy (step mum) came, and it was one of my proudest moments for myself... we went to the departmental lunch after and I introduced them to Renie, and we all had a little cry of success.
Instead of getting depressed I fought through and succeeded... this is possible for anyone who gets depressed, don't be ashamed to ask for help, or assistance... it doesn't make you less of a person, it makes you a stronger person. I am stronger than I have ever been in my life because I faced demons that I had, it wasn't my fault I had them, nor are your demons your fault.. it is just something that happens. No one person deals with a situation the same, I may be able to deal with some situations amazingly, while others leave me stuck and confused.
In the same way it takes strength to share the fact that you are a care leaver or looked after child, it takes MASSIVE strength to deal with depression... we only use 10% of our brain so how can we control when it wants to go 'errr computer says no!' We Can't! So accept that something may be wrong and you may be a little bit more that 'just sad', don't just say 'I'm fine' and use the tools that are so readily available.
 |
| Me and the Vice Chancellor |
 |
| Mummy, me and Nan |
 |
| Renie and Me |
 |
| My dad said 'look happy' |
Tuesday 8 May 2012
Who care's?
For most people at some point in their life this is a difficult question to answer (mostly in teenage hood ;) ), for looked after children and care leavers it is the hardest question to ask ourselves at many points in our lives.
I spent many years not knowing who cared, not feeling like my voice meant anything, that I was asked questions not because they wanted to know the answers but to tick the boxes.
Over the weekend I felt overwhelmed by myself and the stories the other care leavers had shared at the Buttle UK conference on the Friday.
I had to chair a panel of three care leavers and I have got to say it was the hardest thing I have done. Not only did I have to stay professional (a role I have only been in for the last 5 months) but also support the young strong woman with them sharing their experiences while knowing exactly what they were talking about.
It was made harder by feeling so
emotional after Lisa Cherry has shared her experience... A strong woman and a true inspiration... Which can be said about the three girls on my panel too... I spent so much of the afternoon nodding my head in recognition of how I have felt and what I have had to face.
It shocked me that even though I had not shared much about myself each of the young girls came and thanked me
for being there and inspiring them... I had to admit to them that they were the inspiration to me, they were doing things better than I had at their age, I felt and still feel overwhelmingly proud of each and every one of them that shared on the day.
The same goes to every care leaver and looked after child I have worked with along my journey, and also those who I have not met, to be here on this earth is something to be proud of. I know the importance of having someone to talk to, to open up to or even simply to know they want you to have success in life... I want every care leaver and looked after child to know that I CARE and so do so many other people. It's hard to see this sometimes... I am a voice for you, and if you want something voiced then tell me... I can be the strong person for you to be able to share because it's a difficult thing to do... And 9/10 I will want to voice about the same thing :)
So to the answer the question... Who care's? I know I do... That's one person..and that matters.
Lisa Cherrys Blog can be found using the following link: http://www.lisacherry.co.uk/passionate-ramblings/
I spent many years not knowing who cared, not feeling like my voice meant anything, that I was asked questions not because they wanted to know the answers but to tick the boxes.
Over the weekend I felt overwhelmed by myself and the stories the other care leavers had shared at the Buttle UK conference on the Friday.
I had to chair a panel of three care leavers and I have got to say it was the hardest thing I have done. Not only did I have to stay professional (a role I have only been in for the last 5 months) but also support the young strong woman with them sharing their experiences while knowing exactly what they were talking about.
It was made harder by feeling so
emotional after Lisa Cherry has shared her experience... A strong woman and a true inspiration... Which can be said about the three girls on my panel too... I spent so much of the afternoon nodding my head in recognition of how I have felt and what I have had to face.
It shocked me that even though I had not shared much about myself each of the young girls came and thanked me
for being there and inspiring them... I had to admit to them that they were the inspiration to me, they were doing things better than I had at their age, I felt and still feel overwhelmingly proud of each and every one of them that shared on the day.
The same goes to every care leaver and looked after child I have worked with along my journey, and also those who I have not met, to be here on this earth is something to be proud of. I know the importance of having someone to talk to, to open up to or even simply to know they want you to have success in life... I want every care leaver and looked after child to know that I CARE and so do so many other people. It's hard to see this sometimes... I am a voice for you, and if you want something voiced then tell me... I can be the strong person for you to be able to share because it's a difficult thing to do... And 9/10 I will want to voice about the same thing :)
So to the answer the question... Who care's? I know I do... That's one person..and that matters.
Lisa Cherrys Blog can be found using the following link: http://www.lisacherry.co.uk/passionate-ramblings/
Care Leaver Stereotypes
"We don’t care if you don’t get the grades, but you have to go to the lessons or we won't get paid for you." - As a Care Leaver these words still affect my self-confidence and self-belief today; the words said to me by my teacher- a role that should push a child to succeed. I attempted to the best of my ability to tell them how I was feeling and how I had lost my way and got behind with work over the Christmas holiday due to a difficult incident with my birth mother. Instead of advising and supporting me, they chose to threaten to throw me off my courses because they did not expect me to pass them anyway. This left me feeling uncared for and unsupported in a place in which every child should be supported to learn.
I decided after the meeting to go to college instead of 6th form as I felt the school did not support or care for me as a Looked After Child.
I chose to attend Burnley College and I achieved highly, I was supported throughout my time there by my tutors and peers resulting in me achieving a Distinction level BTEC National Diploma. This enabled me to go to university, gain a good degree, work in an amazing job role and also have parental responsibility over my younger brother so he would not enter the care system.
It is quite clear that I am 'able' to achieve, my degree that sits on my living room wall is evidence enough of that and yet my school did not see this. Instead I was stereotyped as a student who couldn’t achieve good grades and was a waste of money to have on their role.
My story has been a 'lucky' one, I had a good support network in my support worker and Leaving Care Team and also my dad and my step mum who I found after 12 years of lost contact the week of my 16th birthday, not every Care Leaver has such luck.
Everyday Looked After Children and Care Leavers face unfair and unjust discrimination. They have to deal with personal issues of low self-esteem, low self-confidence and low achievement expectations, alongside having to fight against negative stereotypes and avoid the self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. This is a hard call for anyone to do, never mind a young person who is most likely to be in a vulnerable and precarious position in life.
While studying at the University of Leicester I worked as a mentor for the Outreach Team with Looked After Children and Care Leavers. I was shocked that having me there, sharing my experiences had such a positive effect on the young people involved. When I was made aware that a university was recruiting for a Care Experienced Graduate to be a lead officer on their Looked After Children Project, I jumped at the opportunity. I have been in my role for nearly 5 months now, and every day I look forward to coming to work because I know I am fighting the stereotypes of Looked After Children. Not only by doing my job and achieving in life, but also because I am able to positively influence current Looked After Children and Care Leavers by inspiring them to aspire to Higher Education.
For me to succeed it took one person to believe in me, this was my support worker Janet. She pushed and cared for me when I didn’t feel like anyone cared if I succeeded or not, for which I will be forever thankful. It doesn’t take much for a Looked After Child or Care Leaver to believe they are destined to fail, as it is the attitude they are faced with by 90% of the people they come across. However all it takes is for one person to spend the time, believe and push them to succeed for them to turn it around and achieve in life. Is this a hard thing to do? I know it isn't. Like any child, looked after children want to make the adults around them proud, provide them with that positive environment and attitude and they will achieve.
Monday 7 May 2012
Do you know me? Do I know me?
This blog contains information I have not shared with many or anyone, be prepared to hear things you would not think to hear and I ask you to not see or treat me differently. I am still me as I always have been.
No one truly knows me, I hardly know myself, this is true of everyone to some extent.
But for me, throughout my life I have kept 99% of myself hidden because I was ashamed of where I came from, not knowing what it meant to have the past that I do.
I was in care from 11 years old till I was 18. I went to 6th form then college, went to university and now work for a university helping other care leavers and looked after children aspire to university. Oh and I also take care of my 14 year old brother on my own.
I am not ashamed anymore, I have made something of my life, battled against the odds to be the young woman I am now.
What I do know is that what it means to me to be a care leaver and what is should mean to every care leaver and looked after child... That life wasn't great and at a young age we deal with more things that most adults won't deal with their whole lives. We are the strongest people in the world and we can choose to use that strength and passion to be negative or we can use it to make the world a better place.
This is by no means a easy journey, to me it feels like a painful birth from a cocoon I have hidden myself in for many years, I am not yet fully out of this cocoon and wonder if I ever will be, but the defects on my butterfly wings will not make me fly lower but push me to try harder and achieve more in the time I have on this earth than the other butterfly's who just don't have those worries.
I am uninqe, and this makes it harder for me to fit in, but I have got to a point in my life where this is no longer a hindrance..it is what makes me get the job I wanted, makes me stand in front of room of people and let them
know a tiny snippet of my life at the NIACE Conferance... May I add that The Princess Royal was present in said room (claim to fame?) and chair a panel of Care Leavers at the Buttle UK Anuual Conference.
One beautiful strong Care Leaver said to me recently that she was the author of her own life book, and we are... Maybe not at the beginning, that was written by social services, foster parents and everyone else but us... We did decide how we dealt with this... I personally became lost, depressed (at least 3 bouts of that one so far) and at some points suicidal because I felt alone, so alone I could not see past my own nose. It was the thought of my 'family' and 'friends' that stopped me from hurting myself, the knowledge that by ending my own pain would create pain, something I did not want to do. However lonely and sad I felt, I never was selfish.
Now I write my life book, my actions are my own and I take full responsibility for them.
It is times of self reflection that are the painful ones... Not only dealing with the past but also the overwhelming fear of the future.
Will I find someone who will accept who I am, who will love me because of who I am... Sometimes it's hard to think this is possible when everyday I have the memory and pain of a mother who still now cannot pull herself together and be a mum, a woman who chose to live a life of drugs, prostitution and god knows what else over her children, a woman who blamed her children for the fact they got taken off her, and to punish them for this slit her wrists and came to where they were showed them her wrists and said that they were to blame because they didn't live with her anymore.
I know I am 'doing well' in life, I have few complaints about where I am, and yet my self confidence is still not there. I feel like I am where I am is down to shear luck, deep down I know this can't be true, but I struggle to shake off self doubt and the fear that if I get this wrong I wouldn't know where to turn.
Not only have I got to think about my own life, but that of my brother.. It is such a huge responsibility that pushes me to my limits, out of my comfort zone into the blaring light of reality and self analysis.
I am strong but lack the tools to make the most of this strength, I have many friends but feel so lonely, I want to be social but want to keep my own company, I want to shout about my life but am so scared of the results and what I may uncover about myself, I want to love but feel unloveable, I want to have full control of my life but also run away and have nothing to control....
Do you know me now? Do I know me now?
No one truly knows me, I hardly know myself, this is true of everyone to some extent.
But for me, throughout my life I have kept 99% of myself hidden because I was ashamed of where I came from, not knowing what it meant to have the past that I do.
I was in care from 11 years old till I was 18. I went to 6th form then college, went to university and now work for a university helping other care leavers and looked after children aspire to university. Oh and I also take care of my 14 year old brother on my own.
I am not ashamed anymore, I have made something of my life, battled against the odds to be the young woman I am now.
What I do know is that what it means to me to be a care leaver and what is should mean to every care leaver and looked after child... That life wasn't great and at a young age we deal with more things that most adults won't deal with their whole lives. We are the strongest people in the world and we can choose to use that strength and passion to be negative or we can use it to make the world a better place.
This is by no means a easy journey, to me it feels like a painful birth from a cocoon I have hidden myself in for many years, I am not yet fully out of this cocoon and wonder if I ever will be, but the defects on my butterfly wings will not make me fly lower but push me to try harder and achieve more in the time I have on this earth than the other butterfly's who just don't have those worries.
I am uninqe, and this makes it harder for me to fit in, but I have got to a point in my life where this is no longer a hindrance..it is what makes me get the job I wanted, makes me stand in front of room of people and let them
know a tiny snippet of my life at the NIACE Conferance... May I add that The Princess Royal was present in said room (claim to fame?) and chair a panel of Care Leavers at the Buttle UK Anuual Conference.
One beautiful strong Care Leaver said to me recently that she was the author of her own life book, and we are... Maybe not at the beginning, that was written by social services, foster parents and everyone else but us... We did decide how we dealt with this... I personally became lost, depressed (at least 3 bouts of that one so far) and at some points suicidal because I felt alone, so alone I could not see past my own nose. It was the thought of my 'family' and 'friends' that stopped me from hurting myself, the knowledge that by ending my own pain would create pain, something I did not want to do. However lonely and sad I felt, I never was selfish.
Now I write my life book, my actions are my own and I take full responsibility for them.
It is times of self reflection that are the painful ones... Not only dealing with the past but also the overwhelming fear of the future.
Will I find someone who will accept who I am, who will love me because of who I am... Sometimes it's hard to think this is possible when everyday I have the memory and pain of a mother who still now cannot pull herself together and be a mum, a woman who chose to live a life of drugs, prostitution and god knows what else over her children, a woman who blamed her children for the fact they got taken off her, and to punish them for this slit her wrists and came to where they were showed them her wrists and said that they were to blame because they didn't live with her anymore.
I know I am 'doing well' in life, I have few complaints about where I am, and yet my self confidence is still not there. I feel like I am where I am is down to shear luck, deep down I know this can't be true, but I struggle to shake off self doubt and the fear that if I get this wrong I wouldn't know where to turn.
Not only have I got to think about my own life, but that of my brother.. It is such a huge responsibility that pushes me to my limits, out of my comfort zone into the blaring light of reality and self analysis.
I am strong but lack the tools to make the most of this strength, I have many friends but feel so lonely, I want to be social but want to keep my own company, I want to shout about my life but am so scared of the results and what I may uncover about myself, I want to love but feel unloveable, I want to have full control of my life but also run away and have nothing to control....
Do you know me now? Do I know me now?
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