Therapy is a private affair, and I have spoken about things in that room that I have not uttered to anyone else.. so I hope you will understand why I have not shared much of anything on here.
Although alot has happened...
I was asked by Kevin (my therapist) to write a compassionate letter to myself.. to the young girl I was.. who felt so much pain, fear and neglect...
This was not an easy task, it brought tears, sadness... anger followed by understanding, compassion.. love
Anyway, here is my letter to myself, published, it exists and its a reminder to myself, to think and care about myself.
"Dear Wigglesworth
You are so brave, and intelligent.. I want you to know you did the right thing.
It is not your fault you were left in an unsafe place.
I know its hard not being able to remember, and its normal to feel like control has been taken from you with your memory.. but control has not been taken away from you.. control is yours, and you took it when you could and have taken control ever since…
You were neglected… but not because you were bad, or didn't deserve to be looked after, but because heroin took away your mums attention, money, time, care.
She was lost in the drugs. She did love you though, remember when you both skipped all the way through town because you had learnt to skip and wanted to skip everywhere? Thats love, not caring how you look, because you are making someone happy and sharing a happy moment… Mum just got lost along the way. Can you blame her.. she didn't know how to be a mum.. hers left her too.. but mums pain took over instead of pushing her forwards.
Let me give you a big hug and keep you safe, because you are in control now
You can be happy… even though you have been sad for so long.. we will get there together, hand in hand.
I remember when you were 11 and you cried in bed, mum didn't understand why, and put it down to periods.. she was wrong though, those didn't come for another 3 years.
I can see now that you were upset because you were neglected, you didn't feel loved or cared for… you thought it wouldn't matter if you died because no one would notice.
I am sorry its taken me so long to remember you have been so sad for so long… so it will be hard to break out of that when its the only thing thats kept close to you when there is nothing else.
You do not deserve to feel this way, you are intelligent, caring, loving, cheeky, thoughtful, funny.. you put others before you.
You have to let yourself feel better, to be happy… to know that you deserve happiness
I love you… and I am so sorry I didn't tell you before.. I didn't realise I had to tell you… but I do and did have to tell you everyday, because how can you believe that you deserve love if I don’t love you?!
I feel such a fool now, and I am sorry to have neglected you.. I didn't mean to be one of those people…you sweet little girl.
Lets go skip and be happy because we both deserve that. we have been sad for too long, keeping ourself on shut down.. but for who? No one that matters…
Just you and me.
Yours Forever
Carrie Wigglesworth"I hope that sharing this will help others remember their inner self, their young child inside that if like me you are dealing with depression.. still feels that pain as a child.. and we forgot to look back and care for that child.. and to let them know we care and love for them.
