Birthday Reflections....

"Well.. yesturday I turned 24 ..and as always I had a cry. Every year for a long time I have cried on my birthday, sometimes for good things sometimes for bad... but always for it not being remembered my own mother.

I do not want to dwell on this fact, as it cannot be changed by anything I do, unless I decide to start ringing her the day before to remind her.. and sadly that would mean talking to her and why should you have to remind someone the day they left their body after 9 months.. I would have thought it would be quite a memorable time.

I lost my nan recently (on my dads side)... the effects of this have been more than I have ever imagined. I feared that I was not actually able to grieve... I worked through my little brothers dad's death and my mind and body never let me get upset properly. "

I wrote this two weeks ago.. then couldn't face writing more so didn't.. but things change and I cannot keep my head in the sand.

My mother rang me yesterday... she had remembered my birthday, but due to the fact she is in rehab she was not able to call, as she was advised it wouldn't benefit her as she had just got there and been going through allot of counselling.

Speaking to her was like speaking to a child who was finally facing the world and no longer hiding from life... learning why she has done what shes done in the past.. her life patterns and how to change.

I am hopeful that the hard work she is doing will help heal the pain between us, I am aware that in response to her changing, I will change myself.

For a very long time I have had a barrier up again her... I have spent more of my life with it up than down.. I am aware that this affects me not only with her but also in how I am in life. I fear becoming attached to someone for them to hurt me.. I do not let myself become close to people, not as close as I should.

Will this change? Will I change? I know the answer, and it is a yes, but its not a negative change it is a positive one. This does not mean that I am not scared, because I am petrified... who isn't scared of change to some extent.

But I am ready, ready to face things ready to make changes and ready to heal and move on, leaving behind the pain that I have held on to for so long.