Care Leaver Family

What is family?

The question is one that isn’t easy to answer. 

One which is made more complex if you have care experience. 

One thing I have learnt as I get older, and am more involved in networking, and working with other care lavers is the importance of my ‘Care Family’. A family that includes people I have never met, but share the knowledge and the feelings involved in having a care experience and isn't limited in its numbers. 

Its a connection that passes through country lines, through the class systems, through any system which would usually be a barrier to communication.

That moment that someone discloses that they have care experience, you look into their eyes and you know, that they know, that you know. - A connection. 

Those little things that made me feel like I was standing behind a wall when I tried communicating and connecting with my friends growing up, suddenly became an open door full of kindness, compassion and understanding. 

One thing I have found is a distinct creative trait within the Care family I have become a part of. Which makes sense, Brené Brown is very clear in her research that vulnerability is the birth place of creativity and innovation.. and we hear over and over that we are the most vulnerable in society, which surely mean that we also have the ability to be the most creative and innovative as we move through life? 

There is nothing ‘perfect’ about our lives and experiences, apart from maybe perfect disasters, which somehow we came through, bashed and bruised at times, but still here, still alive. 

In fact, when I see ‘perfection’ as it is seen in societies eyes, my warning lights start to flash, and I know someone is holding up a very big mask, that something is simmering underneath.. .wanting, fighting to come out. I know it, because I spent my teenage years and my early 20s with the same mask on, perceiving out that everything was ‘perfect’, now I don't know how well I wore this mask, but considering I conned myself and a lot of other people that everything was ‘okay’, when really I was breaking inside for a good amount of years.. I think I wore that mask very well indeed.  

I know I do not need that mask with my peers, I can just be. We can be open about out cuts and scars, but we don’t need to explain why we have them, there is no need for words. Going through the complexities of explaining, why I like certain things, why I act certain way, how I can just look at you and 90% of the time read exactly what is going on with you in that moment, what happened to me to get me where I am now, the pain I have gone through, the healing at the other end. 

I recently started talking to a care leaver peer I met through our online community, within half an hour we realised, how alike we were, and we knew that we would continue to have that connection through the rest of our lives. Within in a week we met in person, spent a day just talking and connecting… healing. 

I have these peers around the world, different ages, different experiences, some I have never met in person, but I know if I reach out, they are there. 

Which is what a family is right? Where ever they are in the world, when you need them, they are there. 

There are ways to reconnect with your peers, social media help with this a lot. Then there are different pathway, such as the Care Leavers Connect site, where you can join, find the groups and places you grew up in and reconnect with the peers you once knew there. 

The Care Leavers Association its self  is ‘an ever growing network of care leavers’, a place where your voice and experience can help change the future of the care system for the better, for you to have a safe connection, non judgemental, caring unconditionally, what ever age you are. 

The positive impact of a meaningful relationship with your After Care worker

This blog was originally written for Camden Local Authority Participation team and published on their Children in Care website 'BackChat' 

http://www.backchatonline.org.uk/blogs/my-voice/blog_articles/180-it-s-like-your-life-is-like-a-box-of-cornflakes 

When a child succeeds in life, generally there is a parent or carer behind them giving them support and motivation to succeed.

Care experienced young people cannot rely on this same positive input, why? Mainly because it is not something that can be guaranteed in the current care system. Isn’t that a depressing thought.. that in a system which is designed to replace the care of the parents, as the parents as judged not to fulfilling the needs of the child, the system cannot guarantee to give that child the positive care they need to succeed.

I know from my own experience, my motivation and push to achieve came not from my parents (until I found my dad later in life) but from the ‘professionals’ around me.

I had involvement with social services from the age of around 9 or 10 years old, a good couple of years before I went into care.  

My first involvement with social services was with a very kind woman Lynn who had lovely long blonde hair. She would take out me and my brother for milkshake to talk to us about how we were feeling and if we were happy and safe. I cannot remember how long she was our social worker for, as time passes differently as a child, and sadly this information is not in my care file. I know it upset both me and my brother when we were told she wouldn't be seeing us anymore… The flurry of social workers after this, I couldn't name, apart from David, this was once I was in care, and he did what he could to support my foster parents and me and my brother. He worked hard to get us extra things, like swim passes for the new swimming pool, a PC to be able to do homework on. But again, he was moved on. When I was approaching 16 my social worker went on long term sick, and my case given to a trainee social worker, who I remember was pretty impossible to get hold of, and I didn’t trust, as I felt like she really did not understand when I was having difficulties. My leaving care worker was introduced around the age of 16, and I remember at the time being very frustrated that I had yet more people involved in my life, more people to tell my story to, or explain things to again. I told them I didn't want their interaction at that time, which to their benefit, respected my request, until I approached them again at 17, when I felt it was time for me to start thinking about independent living.

Janet, my leaving care worker, was my worker for 8 years, she knew me very well, and I trusted her to guide me through issues, and through life decisions. She helped to explain to me why I was having a mental break down while at college and the process of feeling better…. ‘It is like your life is like a box of corn flakes, and at the moment everything has got too much and you have split the corn flakes on the floor and you are trying to place them all back in the box, very carefully as you do not want to break or damage any of the flakes.’ Now this may not make sense to everyone, but by giving me this explanation, she gave me the ability to know that I had to be gentle to myself in my recovery, that it wasn't my fault that I felt the way that I did. I left the service 4 years ago now, and I still speak to her and see her, and we always share a hug. I know that she will always have a place in my heart and my life.

I cannot pick out what exactly the effects were from having a long standing positive relationship with my leaving care worker, but I know that without that input I wouldn't be where I am today. I felt like she actually cared, and I am sure if you asked her, her response was that was because she did care. The feeling of being cared for cannot be falsified, you cannot put on a caring face and succeed in creating a positive relationship when your heart in not in it. Children read the adults around them very well, a child with care experience is able to do this at least 10 times better, so to create a positive, stable, meaningful relationship with a child in care, drop the falsity, drop the barriers, and open up the same way you expect a young person to do with you… and no I do not mean share your life story and your issues… just be human and be there, in person, and not in a file of our life.

The power of a room

I was recently given a room, a space that was mine, whenever I want it, to decorate, to escape to.. My room.

I am not homeless.. I have a house to live in, but my room is not there. 

After spending the weekend with members of my chosen family, and had been working through my emotional build up that had saved up inside me since my last visit. 

I realised that I found the fact I didn't have a room at a parents home to go back to, quite painful. 

I have lived independently for almost 10 years now, but I was still and always missing having a room, to go back to, hide away in and just escape the madness of the world for a few moments. 

I did have a room for a while at my 'step mums', but almost as soon as it was provided it was taken away and rented out.. my things packed for me into boxes and bags. 

I currently fill 2.1 rooms at my future parents in laws house, where I live with my fiancé, I do not fill them with my presence, but with my home boxes, my child boxes, my wedding boxes.. all my boxes from my life. 

I share my room with my lovely man.. but its not my space. 

It might seem quite selfish to need and want my own room somewhere, when I am lucky to have so much already. 

I don't think it is though, having a room at your 'parents' or just the knowledge that that door is always open is such a powerful and healing safety net. 

It is not the first time the *Sparkle* family have given me a room, a key, a safety net. They never took that away from me, but they did move.. and I needed to be given permission in my head to know I still had that space in the new home too... 

I find myself feeling emotional in my chest and my throat as I think about the generosity and kindness provided to me by this my family. 

I suppose what I am trying to convey, is the deep rooted issues related to not having a room, a space, a safety net to go back to. 

Recently a wonderful documentary called Kicked Out Kids that follows 3 young people leaving the care system. 

This documentary touches on the loneliness and issues relating to these young people not having somewhere to return to, they are alone, in their own place, with no where to go back to if it goes wrong. 

I am lucky enough to know one of the young people in the documentary, since she left care just under a year ago, she has since moved 3 times. Each time having to find herself in her home.. and not having a bedroom to just go and hid in with the comfort and security of a family. 

I was recently contacted by a Personal Advisor about one of his young people, 17 years old (18 in Oct) in residential care.. had her review meeting and TOLD at the meeting that she is to move out in 3/4 weeks. She is not ready, she is not prepared...and she expressed this.. it fell on blind eyes and deaf ears, which is why I was contacted. 

So much concentration is given to young people exiting the care system, yet it seems very little consideration to the emotional effects of being on your own, with no room to return to. I hear you say.. but they can sometimes go back.. (very rarely) but this is just an extension of stay... it is not a room that will always be yours to return to at any age.. 

It is an ongoing issue in the 'care' system, that the professionals running it and making those decisions have an off switch to caring once a young person reaches a certain age. 

My 'duty' is done, don't ask any more of me. 

I ask, do parents give up responsibility of their child at 16,18,21,25? That one time they cant cover their MOT of the car, they broke up with their partner and need somewhere to stay, birthdays, Christmas's. Parents don't stop being parents once their child reaches a certain age.. they are forever their child.. so why are children in care given a time limit of care and parenting? 

When the state takes away a child from their birth parent, they take on that responsibility of parenting that child under the assumption that they can provide better and safer care than the birth parents. 

I take you back to the power of a room. Those 4 walls, a roof, a place to escape to. It may not always have your things in, but it is always there to return to when its needed. 

This is what is required. 

The belief that someone cares after the paper work is signed off, the knowledge that if things go wrong, there is a place to gather yourself in safety. A room. 

Finding inspiration in yourself- A guide to self compassion not selfishness

For a moment think of the people who you find inspirational.

You may find them inspirational for a number of reasons;

- they have a great talent 

- they have done great things 

- they have achieved things you wouldn't and couldn't expect 

This list could be quite endless, if it were to include every reason as to why people find other people inspirational. 

However, for a moment think about yourself, your talents, your achievements, the great things you have done. 

You might start feelings a little stuck.. feeling uncomfortable? 

Thats natural, strangely, because we live in a society that we barely celebrate our own successes in life, that we do not act kindly to ourselves, as we would others.. but why? 

Because it is wrongly convinced as being self centred, narcissist, selfish. 

Understanding why we feel the way we do, and societies perceptions of looking after ourselves and being self compassionate, celebrating ourselves would be a whole discussion in itself. So instead we must assume this is what happens, and discover how to change and reprogram ourselves to be self compassionate, and see the inspirational acts we struggle to see in ourselves, but so easily see in others. 

What is self compassion though? 

I would describe it as an act in which we take the negative criticisms we give ourselves in life, and turn them up side down. Instead of being angry at yourself for not achieving something you wanted to achieve, you self comfort, self rationalise. 

An example 

'You forget an important date or meeting and let someone else down'

Think about the feelings this gives you about yourself 

'idiot you let them down', 'guilt about forgetting', 'stupidity for forgetting' 'let down'   

All or mostly very negative, self critical thoughts? 

Now picture this as your friend, who is going through a stressful situation, has a lot on their plate, and forgot a meeting, and let someone down. 

How would you comfort that person? 

'Stress can create forgetfulness', 'the person knows you didn't mean to forget, they are not angry', 'it will be okay, you can arrange another meeting', 'maybe do some self management so you don't feel so overwhelmed' 'don't beat yourself up!'

Now comfort yourself with those words, in place of the negative ones. 

That feels odd, right? It gets easier. 

Being kind and thoughtful to yourself does not mean your are being selfish, you are treating yourself as you would others. Think of the saying 'Treat others how you would like to be treated yourself'.. but do you include how you treat yourself in that? 

We so often use self criticism to motivate ourselves. 

'You need to loose weight because you are fat and ugly' 

Would you say those words to a friend if they were over weight and wanted to loose weight? 

We use hurtful words towards ourselves, without recognising how hurtful and mean we are to ourselves. 

How can we expect others to treat us kindly and nicely when we do not do this ourselves? 

So now, we can try and tackle our self criticisms, and start to act self compassionately about ourselves, and our actions. 

You just did something inspirational, you were kind and compassionate to someone in a selfless act!  And yes it does count on yourself! 

Once you start you will find small differences in yourself. I have found I am less angry towards others, and myself. 

I am so much more contented and happy!

I hope this will guide you to helping you to accept yourself, and gain self compassion, leading you to see in yourself the inspiration others see in you.

If you have any questions about this blog, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Little scavenger - Self compassionate letter to the neglected hungry me (as a child)

Dear little scavenger girl,

You tiny little thing, your hair so blonde and fluffy, your face so smiley.. but why are your eyes dark, your skin so dank, your hair so thin, your nails to brittle...

When did you last eat? When was your last meal?

Is this why you travel across town to other peoples houses and wait around until its time for tea.. hoping they offer up food?

Let me feed you, healthy, proper food, let me give you love and support.. so you don't feel the need to scavenge for your food like a street rat.

You might be given food from a skip to eat from those who are there to look after you, but this doesn't mean you are worth less than the other children.

I am sorry you were so hungry you have constant stomach pains, that you  throw up bile..because there just isn't anything else in your tiny stomach.

The hunger pain is your comfort.. the only thing that keeps you sharp, keeps you alive... the hunt for the next meal.

Then when a meal was provided, you have to eat every last piece .."Think of the starving children in Africa".. be grateful for what you have.

Force fed liver, blegh I know you hate the feeling it creates at the top of your mouth.

Picking out glass in your pasta as you eat it... the shops had started to make it harder for people to take from the skips, by putting glass and bleach in them..

Food wasn't a priority for Herion parents.. and thats not your fault, you were small, and kept quite to make sure you didn't get a wack.

You are a good child, and you don't deserve to feel the way you do, to be scared to ask for food..

I still dream of the kitchen cupboard, of you scavenging through it, looking for something, anything to eat.

Dried pasta was easy.. you and your scavenger brother would 'cook' it in the flame of the gas cooker. Dried noodles... they helped to make you feel full for a while.

I remember the day you and your brother learnt to make pitta breads, flour and water.. easy to do.

I want to tell you something.. you can put down your hunting tools, let me clean up your face.

I can look after you now, feed you well, care for you. You do not need to eat as if its your last meal, you don't need that extra bit of fat to get you through the day or until you can eat again.

Do you trust me? I trust you.. and I know all you want is for someone to make sure you get fed... I am sorry I have made you eat more than you need for fear of you starving...I know now that you won't starve again.. I have money, time and skill to feed you in the right way... and you deserve that.

Lets make your hair long and healthy, your nails and bones strong and take away those bags under your eyes.

I love you little scavenger girl, lets drop the scavenger so you can just be a girl, a healthy, happy, well fed girl.

Feel that difference in your stomach? Thats it realising that you are safe, secure and well fed.

Love you and will always feed you well

Carrie

New Year Changes - Recognising a negative relationship

Its a new year 2015 (now closer to 2030 than 2000... am I the only one that feels really old reading that?)

New Years are some of the best times to start something new, or make major changes.

Maybe this year you wish to have a more positive life, and to do that you might need to be able to recognise a negative relationship...

Growing up in care, its likely that you have come across your share of negative relationships. Some you have control over if they are in your life, others… sadly might just be stuck there until you can do something about it. 

When you become a ‘grown up’ (huh, when and how did that happen?!) You have the power to control who you have involved in your life. Some people choose to have people in their lives that have a negative effect, sometimes because they don’t have the self compassion to realise they deserve a positive relationship with that person.. or maybe.. they just accept thats how it is, and they are willing to have that person in their life regardless of the effect they have on them.

It is difficult in life to make those judgements, to decide who is worth that pain, upset… because thats the way they are, or just to say, 'nope… cya later, I deserve better than that'. 

Sometimes you got to bite your tongue, and keep someone there, because it just causes so much more distress if you choose another option. 

But what is a negative relationship? 

How can you recognise when its not healthy or good for you? 

I few things I look out for…

They expect you to give, but don’t expect to give anything back (this can be seen in many terms, from money, time or emotional care ) 

They make you feel bad for the choices you make in life 

They don’t make you feel supported

They make you feel like your pulling teeth trying to get them to think about someone other than themselves 

They verbally/physically/emotionally hurt you 

They make you feel guilty for not thinking about them first in a situation that isn't about them 

They don’t try to keep a relationship if you don’t contact them, its always you to make the effort 

They expect you to take on all of their issues without being willing to take on yours

A few examples …

These may be short term issues, in which you can simply move away from that person until you are strong enough to handle that, or they change. 

Some situations are so serious that the only choice is to cut the cord and move away from the negative relationship

The only person who can decide what is right for you at that current time, is you. You will know how much you can handle, you will know if it hurts you so bad you spend the day crying. 

Don’t ever feel bad for making a choice to keep yourself from a relationship that makes you sad, drained or upset. 

You deserve better than that, surround yourself with the positive, empowering people and break away from those who bring you down from being the best person you can be. 

It might be a long time friend, it might even be a family member. Regardless, if they don't respect you for you, and put in the same effort you do, and chastise you if your not regarding them every step of your life, make you feel worthless,  they are not worth your time, effort, emotion at that current time.

It again is then your choice how long you keep this person away from you. It might be a life time choice, or maybe just a few weeks until you feel stronger to deal with that situation. 


Be kind to yourself this year, and be your own best friend.

Happy New Year everyone!

Why not wanting kids is fine

Far too often I get that 'Look' from people when I tell them, kids right now just isn't what me and my wonderful Fiancé want and wont be for a good few years (when if ever?!)

I think these 9 points are pretty on par with our reasons.

Reason 4 is like I wrote it! 
'You want for nothing, not even stinky diapers, near constant tears, or sore nipples. YOU MONSTER. Right now, I have a challenging, creative job, a wonderful fiancé, two insane dogs, a family that I love, and more hobbies than you can shake one of my hand-knit throw blankets at. I love my life and I don't want to change it. '

I sometimes worry that I am missing out on a secret world, of mummies and babies, and I know I am excluded from certain conversations and relationships, because I just don't have a kid. But thats not reason enough for me to start pro-creating.

The one point thats not on here, is of course, I have done parenting, 3 really bloody hard years full of mental health disorders, and horrible complexities, and now thankfully the emotional rewards and to be honest I wouldn't be less likely to have children because of that, its the simple fact that I know the sense of responsibility that comes with having a child to look after, and I want time for me with my lovely guy, two dogs, one cat and terrapin....not the over powering sense of responsibility that comes with a child to love and care for.

Not wanting kids, doesn't mean I don't like children (far from it) or that I don't agree with other people having kids, I just don't agree with me having kids right now.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/…/n…/a27578/on-not-wanting-kids/

Things to remember when in recovery of depression

Recovery from mental health illness.

I wrote this list last week, when I was feeling overwhelmed by my mental heal illness. I had a lot of positive response to them. So I wish to share them with you, so you are able to use them if you are finding it difficult to just simply gain understanding from those around you when it comes to your recovery.

• Yes I may look fine and happy and healthy, no this not mean I am a strong rock able to deal with everything

• Yes I try and help others through their issues, no this does not mean I am at 100% or anywhere close to that

• Believe it or not I have been through a major breakdown recently, so do not expect me to be a happy go lucky and able to deal with all the emotional crap thrown my way. I am not a duck, the mud sticks it doesn't slide off right now.

• I am a strong person, but I am also emotionally fragile. I am and still will be in recovery for a long while. Just because you might think something should not upset someone doesn't mean the receiver takes it that way.

• Don't be the person who selfishly thinks that because I am a giver I will accept being walked all over. I work with equal relationships.. If you don't, then quietly step away from me, because I don't need that attitude in my life right now.

• I am taking steps to ensure my mental health is not affected in the way it was before, I do not want to be broken again, so please, respect that, respect my recovery or kindly go away.

6 simple things, that I wrote down, that instantly made me feel better. I have been using them as a reminder to myself... as sometimes I feel I am better, then get upset and angry with myself when I have a bad day.. I need to remember to have self compassion with myself, and not be hard on myself, when I know I still have a long way to go to being 'well', and not at risk of relapse. 

My CBT therapist told me that if you have 3 cases of depression, you are 90% more likely to have a relapse. I took this as a challenge.

As a care leaver I went to university, I beat the 93% against me 

When I was in school I achieved 7 GSCE's A-C inc Maths and English, again I beat a massive statistic that was against me

I have never had a criminal record so beat that statistic that says that 61% of 16-18 year olds in custody are females who have been looked after children. 

I had a job within 6 months of graduating from university, and have not been out of work since, working above and beyond minimum wage. 

I am in a stable, healthy relationship, and due to get married 

I am saving for my wedding and a house with my partner 

I have worked so hard to be where I am in life, to be safe, happy, honest, open, stable....

And so far.. its worked out, I have beaten every statistic.. So I will beat this one. 

 Remember when you are in recovery, you have to remember to care for yourself, and embrace the positives in your life..those positives, big or small will save you.

Dear Wigglesworth - A letter to heal my inner self and child

So for the past few months I have been going to CBT.. yes finally actually dealing with some deep crap. Painful stuff I had packed so deep I had utterly forgotten about.

Therapy is a private affair, and I have spoken about things in that room that I have not uttered to anyone else.. so I hope you will understand why I have not shared much of anything on here.

Although alot has happened...

I was asked by Kevin (my therapist) to write a compassionate letter to myself.. to the young girl I was.. who felt so much pain, fear and neglect...

This was not an easy task, it brought tears, sadness... anger followed by understanding, compassion.. love

Anyway, here is my letter to myself, published, it exists and its a reminder to myself, to think and care about myself.

"Dear Wigglesworth

You are so brave, and intelligent.. I want you to know you did the right thing. 

It is not your fault you were left in an unsafe place. 

I know its hard not being able to remember, and its normal to feel like control has been taken from you with your memory.. but control has not been taken away from you.. control is yours, and you took it when you could and have taken control ever since… 

You were neglected… but not because you were bad, or didn't deserve to be looked after, but because heroin took away your mums attention, money, time, care. 

She was lost in the drugs. She did love you though, remember when you both skipped all the way through town because you had learnt to skip and wanted to skip everywhere? Thats love, not caring how you look, because you are making someone happy and sharing a happy moment… Mum just got lost along the way. Can you blame her.. she didn't know how to be a mum.. hers left her too.. but mums pain took over instead of pushing her forwards. 

Let me give you a big hug and keep you safe, because you are in control now

You can be happy… even though you have been sad for so long.. we will get there together, hand in hand. 

I remember when you were 11 and you cried in bed, mum didn't understand why, and put it down to periods.. she was wrong though, those didn't come for another 3 years. 

I can see now that you were upset because you were neglected, you didn't feel loved or cared for… you thought it wouldn't matter if you died because no one would notice. 

I am sorry its taken me so long to remember you have been so sad for so long… so it will be hard to break out of that when its the only thing thats kept close to you when there is nothing else. 

You do not deserve to feel this way, you are intelligent, caring, loving, cheeky, thoughtful, funny.. you put others before you.

You have to let yourself feel better, to be happy… to know that you deserve happiness 

I love you… and I am so sorry I didn't tell you before.. I didn't realise I had to tell you… but I do and did have to tell you everyday, because how can you believe that you deserve love if I don’t love you?! 

I feel such a fool now, and I am sorry to have neglected you.. I didn't mean to be one of those people…you sweet little girl.

Lets go skip and be happy because we both deserve that. we have been sad for too long, keeping ourself on shut down.. but for who? No one that matters…

Just you and me.

Yours Forever

Carrie Wigglesworth"


I hope that sharing this will help others remember their inner self, their young child inside that if like me you are dealing with depression.. still feels that pain as a child.. and we forgot to look back and care for that child.. and to let them know we care and love for them.

How much does to mind remember?

Have you ever wondered if our mind remembered dates and events without us realising, and making us feel a certain way.. And we just can't figure out why we might feel so crap or happy. 

I have been feeling very tired and exhausted the last couple of days, then today I used an app called 'timehop' that goes back onto your Facebook timeline and other social media portals and shows you  said on that day back years.

Today I'm feeling really crappy, and I looked back.. And 2 years today... was my nans funeral.. A funeral I helped to organise, and spoke at.. While also clearing her house with my dad.

What exhuasting and sad time it was for me, my last grand parent, one I had lost contact with for 12 years of my life. A woman I aspire to be..

So does my mind remember that event and is that why I am feeling crappy and a little lost? 

Either way, I will be kind to myself more than usual this week 

Do you ever find yourself feeling like this and then realising something had happened years before on that day? 

Or is it just me being werid?! 

Identity - Where am I, Who am I? - Transitioning again..

No one ever told me that throughout life you will question your identity, that life is full of transitions.. and just because you have made one or two major transitions, does not mean that you are going to ‘be’ that person for the rest of your life. 

Looking at it written on paper, it seems quite stupid of myself to assume somehow that I had done my transitioning and had reached the best I could be. 

As you may have noticed, I have had a major break from writing, not because I do not care about my site, or the people that read my rambles, but because I have been going through a quite stressful and painful transition without taking notice of it and in all honesty, not feeling able to share myself during this time. 

Sharing your experiences while you are going through a transitional situation is the hardest thing, because you do not know where it is taking you, and it can be a quite frightening period, where laying yourself out for judgement or criticism to everyone isn't healthy or helpful. 

It requires self care, family, friends, safety, privacy. 

I am now at the final part of my transition, figuring out where I am after, and ‘who I am’ from the experience. 

My transition from being a parent to just being me, (yes in the that order)

For three years, my life has been dedicated to parenting my younger brother, a period of life where everything I did was to create a better life for him, a safer life, a happier life. To provide him with what I didn't have as a child. 

It was not a planned parenting experience, it was abrupt, painful and very stressful, a situation that threw all of my own plans out the window to try and resolve the most horrendous situation my brother had been put into.

Don’t for a second think I would change this, and that I would move away from this parenting experience, because even if I relived that choice 100 times, the result would still be the same. Plus, these rambles are not about if I made the right choice, because I don’t even need to question that choice.. it is about where the experience took me. 

Final term of university, and I finally got my head in gear to sit down and put all of my effort into my final term, I wanted a First on my dissertation, I knew I could do it if I put effort in… I had planned to spend the whole month in the library dedicated to the revision, and work required to achieve those high grades I wanted, that I deserved (I had discounted my lazy ways of the rest of my degree!), with plans in place from the Local Authority to help me study a Masters. 

The first day of the holidays, I go to Lincoln to see my family, a Friday.. a weekend with family to charge my batteries for the big experience of actual hard work. I had not been there an hour before I received the phone call that changed my life forever. 

Three years on from that date and my brother is leaving, we have both got the point where me being a 'parent' just isn't working anymore. We have got to the end of that journey, ready to transition back to being brother and sister.  That was almost 3 months ago now.

My brother is happy, safe, stable, in education, exactly what I wanted for him.. but where has that left me?

When I am passionate about something, my whole self goes into it... those who know me, know I don't do things half arsed... It's all or nothing. 

So baring this in mind... that I am passionate about family, it goes without saying that I threw everything at trying to help my brother. 

To the extent that I made myself ill, this wasn't my brothers fault, I pushed myself too hard, too long, pushing and pushing instead of taking a step back ... it's hard to step back though when you just don't trust anyone else can do the job, that stepping back somehow meant I had failed. 

I guess this could be the same of anyone who cares for a family member.. my thoughts go to the child carers out there, looking after siblings and parents.. because there just isn't anyone else to do the job. 

Can we all pat ourselves on the back, and have a moment of realisation of what we are actually doing?

I had my first session of CBT this week, to help me get to 'me'... I wanted to say 'back to me', but actually, the version of me coming through has not existed before, and where ever I go in life... its not backwards! 

Things I learned at this session, 

- I have a deep imbedded self belief that I am not good enough (really...still?!?!)

-  Belief that somehow I am where I am because I am a very good con artist, and actually I don't know what the hell I am talking about.. and that any moment someone is going to jump out and say 'HA TRICKED YOU!! GET BACK IN YOUR HOLE!!' 

- I believe I don't deserve to do well... so I self criticise, put myself down (Again.. I thought I had dealt with this)

- I try and avoid situations where I might show weakness, because I believe that the weakness over takes the strengths in me

It is quite painful, sitting here, drinking a green tea.. putting down on paper these beliefs I have embedded inside myself... beliefs I thought I had dealt with.. and actually now I have not got the 'parent role' to hide behind.. I have to truly look at myself and actually get on with some self care, self belief work and change those beliefs from inside out to move on, and know who I am now. 

The transition has started, where will it take me? To a better person, a kinder person, a more confident person ? 

It won't take me a worse person, because thats not what this transition is about, its about looking after myself and actually being the person I am already to everyone else, to myself.. if that makes any sense at all? (Be kind to yourself!)

Welcome to my transition period, I hope me sharing my journey will help you on yours.

A night out in the town

Please excuse typos and spelling mistakes I have yet to proof read on my laptop!

"This morning I feel...

Jittery, tired, sick, I need more sleep, can't think straight, I'm falling asleep in my chair, glad I don't have to talk to anyone not involved in last night before I go home and sort myself out...

No I didn't go out drinking last night, I was carrying out a sponsored 'rough' night out for the Archer Project on the streets of Sheffield." - Written on Saturday morning, I wasn't able to write anymore as my brain and body needed sleep. 

In reality, the experience was far from that of actually being homeless, we had cardboard, ground mats, sleeping bags, plenty of warm, dry, clean clothes on, one person had a camper bed. We were also in a big group of people that we could trust and also had people watching over us while we slept. We also had the choice to go in doors if it rained... I had decided that even if it did rain I would stay out, I had a 'survival' bag and would stay dry.. Thankfully it didn't rain. 

Our 'basics' would be luxury to someone on the streets. They best they can guarantee is the cardboard, and that's only if it hasn't been raining.

It's Monday morning and I struggled with ordering a morning coffee before my commute to work... I'm still not recovered, and I feel quite ashamed about that... Iv had home to go too, food to eat, a warm bed to sleep in.

On the Saturday after the sleep out I  went home climbed into bed and tried to sleep, I thought I would just fall straight to sleep, I was inside, safe... I didn't sleep.. My thought just went back to my experience the night before.

When I tried to sleep the night before I was worried, I had to stifle down an anxiety attack.. I battled between closing my sleeping bag up around my face to stay warm, with having it open so I could wake and see if anyone was coming over.. I didn't need to worry really as we were pretty damn safe. My friend slept beside me, and I actually used his snoring to get me to sleep.. I knew he was there and that I would be protected..( I should remember that when my bf snores in the night! ) 

The sleeping was only a small part of the experience a mear few hours, so I will start from the beginning and share my journey that has left me wanting to buy Easter eggs for every homeless person, because who else will? 

I was told about the event about a month ago when our local Labour Party cllr Maroof invited me to a fund raiser event to raise some money for the Archer Project, to go towards food and other needed items.

It was a fun night of all you can eat curry with friends, and we raised £68 through a raffle.

As soon as I was told about the work the Archer Project did I knew I had to be involved.. How could I not? I know full well that a large amount of people who are homeless have had experience of the care system.. I myself was almost homeless after a break up.

I signed up to the event and set up my just giving page (justgiving.com/Carrie-wilson3 ) which you can still donate to. 

I didn't actually think too much about the event in the weeks coming up to it, I had just returned to work after getting myself better from stress and that was my priority, work and me feeling good. 

I remembered on the Monday that not only did I need to sort my bedding for the night, I had promised to sort Cllr Maroof out with things as he has never been camping, so didn't own the items we needed. Thankfully my bf used to be in the scouts and his dad is a scout leader, so they had plenty of things I could borrow.. A high quality sleeping bag, a ground mat that had air in so was warmer than the usual ones and of course the survival bags. 

Friday came along and I went to the event with Maroof.. Registration was at 7pm, we signed in and got a name sticker and a bright wrist band. 

Around half 7 the team at the Archer Project sat us down to explain what they do at the project would and share how the event would carry out that evening... We wouldn't be going out till 9pm..

A tour of the place took place.. At the reception we were told that every year they deal with around 1400 people, and daily it's 70 - 90 people. They see these people between 8.30 am to 1.30pm, a small window really. What do they do for the rest of the day..?

The users of the service are registered and their needs noted. 

Those without benefits and no home were provided with breakfast, that is cooked by volunteers and users of the service (volunteers get a free meal out of helping, along with work experience)

The service also has a fully functioning medical room, with an X-ray machine, a dental xray machine and other things needed to treat those who come in. 

They also hold classes and sessions on a whole aray of areas; literacy, well being, confidence, music, football.. 

They explained that their work wasn't to just give to the homeless, it was work to help them move from the streets and hopefully into some kind of work or volunteering, and 'normal' life. 

After the tour, we sat and introduced why we were carrying out the event and who we were, time went very quick and before I knew it, it was time to get my stuff and go outside for the evening. 

Once outside I set up my 'bed' for the evening, then went on a 'tour' of Sheffield  from Gavin, a volunteer at the Archer Project who was homeless for 5 years (now has a bedsit and sells the big issue). The tour took us down back alleys, to locations you would not go if your were out shopping, or on a night out... The main reason these were places that a homeless person  could call 'home' for the night. 

The main locations had security cameras close by, to help you feel safe, and if anything did happen, the police would be there within minutes. 

Gavin shared a experience of another homeless person who would climb inside the big bins full of cardboard to stay warm, dry and undetected by anyone. If someone was new on the streets he would guide them and make sure they didn't go down the wrong place or play victim to the wrong people.

On the tour we walked past Mc Donald's where a young woman was sat begging... Gavin explained that she was most likely trying to get enough money to get a meal for the evening.. I had to hold back my tears. I asked Gavin if he thought it would be okay if I bought her something to eat.. He didn't think it would be an issue. 

When we got back to our camp, I walked straight back over to Mc Donald's with a couple of other sleep out particapants and spoke to the young woman.. She is Called Andrea. I ask if she would mind if I got her something to eat, she replies 'yes please' I ask her what she would want, 'I don't know, a burger or fries?', I say No, you can have a meal, what do you like, what would you prefer, do you want to come in with me? She smiles and replies 'I like chicken.. I'll wait here' I offer to get a coffee and she tells me someone is already getting her one, so I get her a hot chocolate instead. 

Once inside I order a large meal and a hot apple pie and take then out to her. 

I then ask if I can sit with her for a while and speak to her.. 'Of course' she replies. 

I spend the next half an hour talking to her while she wolfs down the food. Some homeless guys turn up and want to speak to her, they come over and another person sleeping out buys them a meal also. May I add, after finishing their food, they put their rubbish in the bin and Andrea shared what she had with the others..  How many people litter and are selfish with their food that you know or have seen?

When they go across the road I ask if they are friends.. She tells me 'you don't have friends on the street, you have people you associate with, but I try to avoid them if they have been drinking as they can turn'.. I tell her if she wants she can 'camp' with us this evening as it will be safe and there is food about... 'Maybe' she replies 'it is safe where I go I can pull a bin in front of me and no one knows I am there'.. My heart aches... That isn't safe... 

I ask Andrea why she is homeless, with the added extra of you don't need to answer that if you don't want to.

Andrea has been homeless since last August as she moved in her with now Ex bf, they broke up and as it was his place she had to move out.. With no where to go, she ended up on the streets. Because she was healthy.. She isn't a priority.. You also need a fixed address to bid on a place..? How on earth does that benefit the homeless?! 

I thoughts jumped back 2 and half years ago, to when I was in the same situation, my relationship broke down, the place was his... If it wasn't for some very amazing people I would have been homeless, alongside with having to care for my teenage brother.

 I want you to now think about the beginning of the year and how cold and wet it was... And imagine if you had to be sat on the streets trying to keep warm and dry... 

I told her she must come with me and speak to Cllr Maroof and see if there was anything he could help with. 

One of the guys came back over and said Nigel really wasn't well.. He hasn't eaten properly all week, so we go across the road to see how he is. 

I take them all back to camp, 4 in all and get some soup and introduce them to the people there. One knows a worker there so I leave him to speak to the worker for a while..I leave Andrea speaking with Cllr Maroof about her experience..  I stay with Nigel who is in a bad way, he can't cope, sleep deprived, starving, exhausted, mentally 'messed up' (his words not mine!) 

I take him to one side and speak to him, he tells he has been in and put of prison for 22 years.. Because it was easier being inside than dealing with life outside. 'Iv been insitutionilised'  

Hold that thought .. 22 years?! Almost as many years as I am alive.. He doesn't know how to use a mobile or text.. Not that he owns one anyway. How much has society changed in that time.. Internet, technology! 

He has been out 3 months, the longest time, he wants to make something of his life, while also feeling like he's lost half his life... His heads in termoil, fighting with himself, wanting to deal with 'real' life but being utterly unprepared and overwhelming by many issues.

He tells me his brother committed suicide 3 weeks ago... His family knew he was in Sheffield but didn't tell him, so he couldn't go to the funeral.. He feels lost and so upset.. He couldn't say goodbye to his brother... He doesn't know if he can go on.. He ponders if killing himself would be easier.. He would be with his parents and brother... 

I speak with him for a good while, tell him he is worth living, that if he likes I can try and get him some help with dealing with his issues... 'I do, but I get angry when people ask me to talk about things'... I reply 'you aren't angry with me are you?.. Would you feel happy speaking to me?'

I can speak to you he says, 'you are the first person who I haven't had to speak to, that hasn't had to speak to me, your not a parole officer or a key worker, you are just a kind person. I really appreciate that, it means a lot. Thank you'

I promise I will try and do some work with him.. He says he's not good at being places at certain times.. That's ok I say.. I'll find you, it would be silly of me to give someone a time to be somewhere when you don't live by the clock, 'I can't have you watching the townhall clock all day can I'I tell him ! 

We go back over and I ask if I can tag along with them for the evening.. 'Of course' they reply. 

It is around half 10 and it's time for them to try and get some money so they can have a bed to sleep in.. For the past week 3 of them had slept on a single mattress down a back alley.

We walk along to Division street and Nigel gets us all cardboard to sit on so we don't get cold. 

Andrea sits next to the cash machine and I sit with her for a while, I can see Nigel is really struggleing to stay awake, not great when they are both trying to get £25 between them for a b n b for the night. I go and sit with him, and chat to him, we tell some jokes to each other, silly jokes and he tells me abit more about his life. I offer to get him a coffee and he insists I don't as he feels like he's taking advantage... I feel incredibly emotional about this.. £1.70 is small cost to me. I go and get him one anyway at the burger bar outside mother care. The owner tells me he used to give food to the homeless, but then 30-40 started to turn up and he just couldn't afford it. 

I come back to Nigel give him his coffee and chat to him a bit more, then a woman and her partner walks past, mutters 'disgusting' and gives me the most dirtiest of looks.. She actually thinks I'm homeless aswell, and response is one of utter awfulness. I stare at her as she walks past, I don't have the shame that is linked to being on the streets and I will challenge people like her... I wonder how long that would last if I actually was homeless? 

A short while after the street is getting busy as it's getting to nearly 12, we have been sat out for over an hour. 

A group of lads walk past see me and stop, "what are you doing out here? You need to get yourself inside!!" I tell them it's ok, I'm carrying out a sponsored sleep out to raise cash and awareness of the homeless. The guys are making man jokes about football with Nigel and they give him some cash. One of the guys asks which church I am with..' I'm not with a church? Why would I need to be? ' He then says ' I bet you are from a really privileged background and just want to do some good' at this point I laugh at him.. No I say. I grew up in foster care. 

We are then interrupted by one of their friends 'just give them some money so we can f off'.. I ask him why he is being so rude, he looks stunned, he double takes and realises I have a name sticker, I'm clean, I'm in warm clothes.. I'm

Not Homeless... I repeat my question, his reply 'because I can' so I tell him to grow up.

Anyway that group moves on and a few mins later Andrea says she has enough for a b n b. 

They look around for the other two, they don't want them about.. The other two want to spend the money on other things other than a bed for the night so we take a quick run down the back alleys. 

We part our ways, and I tell them.. If it's too late for them to get in the b n b then let come back to me and let me know and we will get some warm and safe for the night. 

I walk back to camp and sit and think about the experience, it takes me another hour to actually get in my sleeping bag and try and sleep for the night....

I have spent all weekend thinking about the people I met, I went to the shops and wanted to buy them food.. Something has changed, I can't ignore them, or rush past. My own mental health has improved, how can I feel down when I have so much, and people have so little? Realisation of the situation. 

When I got to Manchester for work I bought a sandwich as well as my lunch, and promised myself I would give it to the next homeless person I saw.. It was an elderly man on my way home, he smiled and I rushed off for my train home. 

I want you to think about the person who's asking you for spare change, and actually look at them. Are they falling asleep because they haven't been able to sleep? Not because they are on drugs

Are they drinking because it helps numb the pain of loss of family or mental health issues, or the physical pain of sleeping on a cold hard floor every night? 

Some of our group drank alcohol to help get them to sleep.. How is this different to a homeless person, because we buy more expensive beer? because we have a home? 

Do something you didn't do yesterday, instead of walking past that homeless person, take a moment ask if they want something to eat, if you don't want to give them cash that's fine.. But surely you can spend a quid or two on a sandwich? 

A step too far - pushed too long?

I start this blog feeling very low, very numb and on edge of breaking down completely. 

Words of explanation just don't want to come out, I feel muted and stuck... I have pushed myself to far for too long and my head and heart have pulled the emergency stop button, leaving me feeling stuck and not sure how to start moving forwards again.

As I have mentioned before, I have had difficulties with caring for my brother, I thought a new year and a lovely Christmas was the start of it being easier for once. I was wrong, behaviour has slipped, my heart and head has had to deal with him going missing twice in as many weeks. I just feel like I have got a point where I can't go forwards anymore.. My head and heart won't let me deal with it.. I have exhuasted all my routes I can give. 

I had a meeting with a support worker last week, who told me I take too much on and don't have enough time for myself, I sat there and cried for 20 mins. I have pushed myself to breaking point to try and be the best person I can be, and instead pushed myself too far and feel broken. 

What happens now? Practically social services are now getting more involved to help and support.. What this means I don't know as none of the other meetings and workers seem to have made any difference, apart from taking my time and energy to attend said meetings and explain everything over and over. 

Emotionally... I don't know, I am at point on my life that I didn't think I would allow myself to be again, a point where I can't move forwards.. Pushed forwards with words of 'your doing a great job' 'just keep going he will realise in time what you are doing for him' from the professionals around me..And so I did, not wanting to fail my brother or myself.. and it's has left me exhausted in all ways. 

What's next? I don't know. I need to pull myself together again, I need to heal myself.. Because right now, I am doing no good and am no good for anything other than wanting to sit in a ball and let life go on around round me without responding. 

Time will heal the hurt and pain I know this... I just don't feel like I have time to have time. How ironic.

I just want to cry it all out...

Mental Health - A battle to feel okay (where are the services?)

So I am sure you have noticed that I have not posted in a long time.. And for that I am sorry. It has been a case of giving my time and energy to fighting to get my family the right services to help get them better.

For anyone who has tried to access mental health services/mutli team agencies you may have come up against the same brick walls as myself recently.. Here is my journey.. That I hope will help ease yours. 

I have become a full time care coordinator alongside my full time job at the Care Leavers Association and full time job as a parent/partner/keeping myself moving forwards.

The services at times have seemed to have no sense of urgency to help in my predicament.. With me constantly pushing different services for different answers to get to the end goal of having a good working support group for my brother to get him better and happy. 

It's hard... Really hard. I got to a point I were I was, what felt like, a day away from a complete breakdown .. I could not push myself any further. I sat in a ball crying trying to figure out what else I could do, trying to pull something, anything out from deep inside to carry on the losing battle. 

I couldn't put trust in anyone to get things done, because they just were not working fast enough and I was seeing the results of a person I love and adore spiral utterly out of control, hell bent on self destruction. 

I fell, stumbled, could not go on. I rang social services, held up my hands and cried that 'I could not do it' anymore'.. Then had to explain what 'it' was.. I had never had them involved before.. Nearly 3 years I had dealt with so much without anything. Maybe because a deep ingrained issue with social services involvement, scared of people making judgement of how I was parenting, living my life. 'You have been through care, you will be a shit parent' 

I was told they would do an assessment and 'help me' with my 'parenting skills', and to be perfectly honest I felt utterly insulted and pathetic.. Had it really all been my parenting that had got me to this point.. I doubted it, but agreed anyway. They would send someone next week.. At this point my brother had been missing a day and it was nearing 5pm on a Friday. No sense of urgency given.. 'If he doesn't come back, call the police'.. They could only bring him back, they wouldn't help me fix him and keep him safe. 

I spent a weekend not knowing what to do, I had been blocked on Facebook and my brother had turned his phone off.. He didn't want to be found. 

Sunday 5pm I get a phone call... 'Hi this is ... he is with us... But he is on the way to hospital... He drank bleach...' 

My heart dropped.. I had failed, I hadn't been listened to when I was desperately begging for help.. This wasn't my parenting.. He needed mental health help and I couldn't provide that. 

We beat the ambulance to the hospital then spent the next 7 hours trying to get him assessed/safe/admitted/anything 

They didn't want to admit him, he thankfully was physically fine.. But if he left I knew, and he knew he would do what ever he could to hurt himself. 'I don't see any other option to stop how I am feeling' 

We both begged for him to be admitted and he finally got a bed nearly 7 hours later.

At this point I had left a voice mail with adult mental health services  .. Where Oskar had a worker.. Not camhs.. They had apparently washed their hands with him once he turned 16. (Funny how if you are Inpatient you can use to service up to 18.. Just a thought) to tell them what had happened and that the fact he had only seen his worker 2 times in 3 months, wasn't working.

I contacted my boss ' I don't think I will be able to make it in tomorrow.. My brother drank bleach to kill himself.. I'm sorry' 

I went home, I didn't sleep. 

8.30 I rang the hospital.. 'How is he...'

9.00 I rang the adult services 'did you get my voice mail.. What's happening... ' 

'His worker was not in.. Only 2 staff on call.. Not sure what to do.. Can't really come out to us incase something happens here'

He needed a mental health assessment, he couldn't leave hospital without one and because we were 'out of area' there was (for once) an urgency of 'he's not ours, your services need to deal with this' 

'Our' services didn't come out.. We didn't know they weren't until 3pm.. 6 hours messing about, undecided on what to do next. The local camhs worker saw my brother at 4, said sorry repeatingly.. She could have seen him at 11am.. But was told by our services they would come.. They told her at 2 that actually they weren't. We were half hour drive from 'our' services.. Too far to go 'just in case' something happened elsewhere

15 mins with the worker and he has decided he needs to be in patient again.

But there are 'no beds'...

So there is no other option than to bring him home...?? But how do I look after him if I need to go to work? Nearly a week of me trying to go to work the services get him into a bed in a completely different local authority.. I thank that hopefully they will listen and help more than the last place. 

So off he goes there.. The first meeting is promising.. I feel confident.. Maybe this will help fix his issues.. And everything will be good...

A week in and this image is shattered... I get a phone call saying my brother has gone missing... He was meant to be back hours ago and isn't.. 

I ask the questions.. Whys he been aloud out when you know he is high risk? Why was he not supervised as you said he would be at the first meeting...

"This isn't a secure unit we can't force him to stay" utter lack of taking responsibility for the situation

Every few days for two weeks an incdent like this occurs, making me lose all trust in the services and making me very stressed about the whole situation. This also made my brother lose trust.. "They can't stop me, they can't help me"

He ended up leaving the place early due to posting a picture of him and another young person on Facebook.. The girl knew it was posted and was fine with it, it didn't say anything about the place or who she was.. He was thrown out.. She stayed

No plans in place 

I told them I can't keep him safe, "he can't come to me because if cannot keep him safe"...

Local CAMHS say no, a flurry of phone calls where no one knows what is going on, where he is going.. And I have to go pick him up as they will just release him into Leeds with no money or parent as he is 16 and not under a Section... Am I the only one who finds the idea and logic of letting a mentally unstable young person who is highly depressed just walk out of somewhere totally and utterly wrong?!

I spent over an hour on the phone to a worker there and said I wanted to complain.. To be told 'it probably won't go anywhere' ?! 

Umm what?

Anyway, he came home to me, I then had to spend more time working from home to watch him and keep him safe, insisted more needed to be done to help... Which we are now getting... 

We are now 4 months from that situation.. And I can finally sit back and spend time to look at the situation and really look at how the services did and didn't work. I fully believe that if I had not put so much effort and time into coordinating all the different services.. It would be a very different blog I would be writing. 

My brother is doing a lot better, he is getting regular support from different services and I feel has really matured, he's not dealt with all the different issues.. That is a long term battle but we are moving forwards, not battling round in a violent bubble of self distruction! 

It is a new year, and I promise to write more here, my energy levels are back, I can breath and think about the bigger picture again.

Thank you to all of those who stood and helped, sat and listened when I ranted/cried/stressed

To those who kept me going and provided a safe haven to recuperate 

The battle is won... But the war for better and more connected services is still very much ongoing - BRING IT ON 

 

25 and happy...

I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago.. sorry for the late post!!

PWow! So I have finally reached the age of a 1/4 of a century! 25 years old :)))  (Very happy btw :)))!!)

So lets rewind a year! Last year, my birthday had been unregistered by my mother, which has always made me cry on my birthday (too many years to remember!). I hoped at that time (last year) the help she was getting would 'create' her into the mummy I never had.. Sadly is never came to be....( some damage just cannot be resolved...)

This year I didn't shed one single tear.... Ok well maybe I let a couple out..but they were due to laughter of the present my big brother created .. a canvas of me with a Mustache 

...even though she didn't contact me.. Through the many ways of virtual contact.. Text, phone call, Facebook...! I think I accepted really at 10/11 or maybe before, that actually 'mum' was never going to be there for the big B-Day (or any bday?!) wow sad I know! 

Can we cheer this up abit?!?

Anyway So this year... Life is still (very much) moving forward! 

The year may not have been always positive... I have had to deal with ups and downs that .. (Christ,) has been hard at times.. It's tested my 'parent' skills to the most upper level (the parenting of my little brother.. I didn't become an actual mum in the last year!) .. Or did I?

Anyway, although the year has had it's hard factors.. I still can not get my head around how amazing and actually positive the last year has been. 

I know hands down that at every turn and choice, I could have taken one of two routes... Positive (yay!) or negative (boooo!) 

Maybe not every time I have taken the positive route.. (Because WOWZA that's really hard to do when life sucks so bad!!! )A few times I have taken the negative route because it was so easy.. But then,  when I pulled my head together and thought about what was going on.. I was pulled back (yes not willingly) to the positive (blegh you can't be positive right?) 

But I actually am (positive).. Because I am alive (very lucky!).. And I am moving (positively) forward in life. I didn't always move 'forward'.. For a good few years I was stuck fast feeling just crap about everything and everyone..( And sometimes I have that slight moment when it flushes back...Buuut everyone has those right?!) 

But once I started to take a step back from my issues..I saw a big, bigger picture.. More than I saw usually (because I have always wanted to 'know' why the world works..and how it does) 

I am a very happy place in life .. A happier one than this time last year.. If you can believe! (Even with a sleep talking bf, who wakes me up with his sleep chit chat in the night <3... 'Yes of course Sheffield United will win'...umm what?! ) 

So I suppose this blog is about thinking about the slight (or massive) positives when life just massively and ultimately gets you down and out. And I know, it's sometimes hard to connect when sometimes I don't share everything that I go through...but my life is my own and I try to share what will not negativity effect those who I care about in the future (or now) it's their life in the end.. And it's not my place to share their's! 

They are there (the positives!) but sometimes they are hard to see ...FYI my bf just slept talked the following line 'i don't want the buildings to get cross' I just cannot be negative when i get told such words of wisdom ..sarcasm aside.. (I have not got a clue what his sleep talk means!!)...and sorry for the random distraction! 

Life is a positive in its self.. It's such a delicate thing. I lost one of my cats this week, Merri.. My youngest cat (kitten, really, 7 months old) he was sadly run over .. What I like to think a careless driver (although I swerved and avoided a baby rabbit when driving!) took him away from my family I have created. It's been a sad week... A lot for my other cat.. He really misses him.. A lot! 

But I am getting a new puppy, so one life is lost but another enters my life.. What a cycle. 

When you are struggling to see any positives in life.. Start small! You are Alive (positive) TRUST ME! The world is better off with you IN IT not WITHOUT you! 

Work from there... Create a list.

What are you feelin crap about.. How can you change it? 

What is positive? 

Life?

Home?

Friends?

Family?

Education? 

I am aware that half of those things are harder to come by for Care Leavers... But Not unatainable. 

To the next year of my life!