Care Leaver Family

What is family?

The question is one that isn’t easy to answer. 

One which is made more complex if you have care experience. 

One thing I have learnt as I get older, and am more involved in networking, and working with other care lavers is the importance of my ‘Care Family’. A family that includes people I have never met, but share the knowledge and the feelings involved in having a care experience and isn't limited in its numbers. 

Its a connection that passes through country lines, through the class systems, through any system which would usually be a barrier to communication.

That moment that someone discloses that they have care experience, you look into their eyes and you know, that they know, that you know. - A connection. 

Those little things that made me feel like I was standing behind a wall when I tried communicating and connecting with my friends growing up, suddenly became an open door full of kindness, compassion and understanding. 

One thing I have found is a distinct creative trait within the Care family I have become a part of. Which makes sense, Brené Brown is very clear in her research that vulnerability is the birth place of creativity and innovation.. and we hear over and over that we are the most vulnerable in society, which surely mean that we also have the ability to be the most creative and innovative as we move through life? 

There is nothing ‘perfect’ about our lives and experiences, apart from maybe perfect disasters, which somehow we came through, bashed and bruised at times, but still here, still alive. 

In fact, when I see ‘perfection’ as it is seen in societies eyes, my warning lights start to flash, and I know someone is holding up a very big mask, that something is simmering underneath.. .wanting, fighting to come out. I know it, because I spent my teenage years and my early 20s with the same mask on, perceiving out that everything was ‘perfect’, now I don't know how well I wore this mask, but considering I conned myself and a lot of other people that everything was ‘okay’, when really I was breaking inside for a good amount of years.. I think I wore that mask very well indeed.  

I know I do not need that mask with my peers, I can just be. We can be open about out cuts and scars, but we don’t need to explain why we have them, there is no need for words. Going through the complexities of explaining, why I like certain things, why I act certain way, how I can just look at you and 90% of the time read exactly what is going on with you in that moment, what happened to me to get me where I am now, the pain I have gone through, the healing at the other end. 

I recently started talking to a care leaver peer I met through our online community, within half an hour we realised, how alike we were, and we knew that we would continue to have that connection through the rest of our lives. Within in a week we met in person, spent a day just talking and connecting… healing. 

I have these peers around the world, different ages, different experiences, some I have never met in person, but I know if I reach out, they are there. 

Which is what a family is right? Where ever they are in the world, when you need them, they are there. 

There are ways to reconnect with your peers, social media help with this a lot. Then there are different pathway, such as the Care Leavers Connect site, where you can join, find the groups and places you grew up in and reconnect with the peers you once knew there. 

The Care Leavers Association its self  is ‘an ever growing network of care leavers’, a place where your voice and experience can help change the future of the care system for the better, for you to have a safe connection, non judgemental, caring unconditionally, what ever age you are. 

The positive impact of a meaningful relationship with your After Care worker

This blog was originally written for Camden Local Authority Participation team and published on their Children in Care website 'BackChat' 

http://www.backchatonline.org.uk/blogs/my-voice/blog_articles/180-it-s-like-your-life-is-like-a-box-of-cornflakes 

When a child succeeds in life, generally there is a parent or carer behind them giving them support and motivation to succeed.

Care experienced young people cannot rely on this same positive input, why? Mainly because it is not something that can be guaranteed in the current care system. Isn’t that a depressing thought.. that in a system which is designed to replace the care of the parents, as the parents as judged not to fulfilling the needs of the child, the system cannot guarantee to give that child the positive care they need to succeed.

I know from my own experience, my motivation and push to achieve came not from my parents (until I found my dad later in life) but from the ‘professionals’ around me.

I had involvement with social services from the age of around 9 or 10 years old, a good couple of years before I went into care.  

My first involvement with social services was with a very kind woman Lynn who had lovely long blonde hair. She would take out me and my brother for milkshake to talk to us about how we were feeling and if we were happy and safe. I cannot remember how long she was our social worker for, as time passes differently as a child, and sadly this information is not in my care file. I know it upset both me and my brother when we were told she wouldn't be seeing us anymore… The flurry of social workers after this, I couldn't name, apart from David, this was once I was in care, and he did what he could to support my foster parents and me and my brother. He worked hard to get us extra things, like swim passes for the new swimming pool, a PC to be able to do homework on. But again, he was moved on. When I was approaching 16 my social worker went on long term sick, and my case given to a trainee social worker, who I remember was pretty impossible to get hold of, and I didn’t trust, as I felt like she really did not understand when I was having difficulties. My leaving care worker was introduced around the age of 16, and I remember at the time being very frustrated that I had yet more people involved in my life, more people to tell my story to, or explain things to again. I told them I didn't want their interaction at that time, which to their benefit, respected my request, until I approached them again at 17, when I felt it was time for me to start thinking about independent living.

Janet, my leaving care worker, was my worker for 8 years, she knew me very well, and I trusted her to guide me through issues, and through life decisions. She helped to explain to me why I was having a mental break down while at college and the process of feeling better…. ‘It is like your life is like a box of corn flakes, and at the moment everything has got too much and you have split the corn flakes on the floor and you are trying to place them all back in the box, very carefully as you do not want to break or damage any of the flakes.’ Now this may not make sense to everyone, but by giving me this explanation, she gave me the ability to know that I had to be gentle to myself in my recovery, that it wasn't my fault that I felt the way that I did. I left the service 4 years ago now, and I still speak to her and see her, and we always share a hug. I know that she will always have a place in my heart and my life.

I cannot pick out what exactly the effects were from having a long standing positive relationship with my leaving care worker, but I know that without that input I wouldn't be where I am today. I felt like she actually cared, and I am sure if you asked her, her response was that was because she did care. The feeling of being cared for cannot be falsified, you cannot put on a caring face and succeed in creating a positive relationship when your heart in not in it. Children read the adults around them very well, a child with care experience is able to do this at least 10 times better, so to create a positive, stable, meaningful relationship with a child in care, drop the falsity, drop the barriers, and open up the same way you expect a young person to do with you… and no I do not mean share your life story and your issues… just be human and be there, in person, and not in a file of our life.

The power of a room

I was recently given a room, a space that was mine, whenever I want it, to decorate, to escape to.. My room.

I am not homeless.. I have a house to live in, but my room is not there. 

After spending the weekend with members of my chosen family, and had been working through my emotional build up that had saved up inside me since my last visit. 

I realised that I found the fact I didn't have a room at a parents home to go back to, quite painful. 

I have lived independently for almost 10 years now, but I was still and always missing having a room, to go back to, hide away in and just escape the madness of the world for a few moments. 

I did have a room for a while at my 'step mums', but almost as soon as it was provided it was taken away and rented out.. my things packed for me into boxes and bags. 

I currently fill 2.1 rooms at my future parents in laws house, where I live with my fiancé, I do not fill them with my presence, but with my home boxes, my child boxes, my wedding boxes.. all my boxes from my life. 

I share my room with my lovely man.. but its not my space. 

It might seem quite selfish to need and want my own room somewhere, when I am lucky to have so much already. 

I don't think it is though, having a room at your 'parents' or just the knowledge that that door is always open is such a powerful and healing safety net. 

It is not the first time the *Sparkle* family have given me a room, a key, a safety net. They never took that away from me, but they did move.. and I needed to be given permission in my head to know I still had that space in the new home too... 

I find myself feeling emotional in my chest and my throat as I think about the generosity and kindness provided to me by this my family. 

I suppose what I am trying to convey, is the deep rooted issues related to not having a room, a space, a safety net to go back to. 

Recently a wonderful documentary called Kicked Out Kids that follows 3 young people leaving the care system. 

This documentary touches on the loneliness and issues relating to these young people not having somewhere to return to, they are alone, in their own place, with no where to go back to if it goes wrong. 

I am lucky enough to know one of the young people in the documentary, since she left care just under a year ago, she has since moved 3 times. Each time having to find herself in her home.. and not having a bedroom to just go and hid in with the comfort and security of a family. 

I was recently contacted by a Personal Advisor about one of his young people, 17 years old (18 in Oct) in residential care.. had her review meeting and TOLD at the meeting that she is to move out in 3/4 weeks. She is not ready, she is not prepared...and she expressed this.. it fell on blind eyes and deaf ears, which is why I was contacted. 

So much concentration is given to young people exiting the care system, yet it seems very little consideration to the emotional effects of being on your own, with no room to return to. I hear you say.. but they can sometimes go back.. (very rarely) but this is just an extension of stay... it is not a room that will always be yours to return to at any age.. 

It is an ongoing issue in the 'care' system, that the professionals running it and making those decisions have an off switch to caring once a young person reaches a certain age. 

My 'duty' is done, don't ask any more of me. 

I ask, do parents give up responsibility of their child at 16,18,21,25? That one time they cant cover their MOT of the car, they broke up with their partner and need somewhere to stay, birthdays, Christmas's. Parents don't stop being parents once their child reaches a certain age.. they are forever their child.. so why are children in care given a time limit of care and parenting? 

When the state takes away a child from their birth parent, they take on that responsibility of parenting that child under the assumption that they can provide better and safer care than the birth parents. 

I take you back to the power of a room. Those 4 walls, a roof, a place to escape to. It may not always have your things in, but it is always there to return to when its needed. 

This is what is required. 

The belief that someone cares after the paper work is signed off, the knowledge that if things go wrong, there is a place to gather yourself in safety. A room. 

Finding inspiration in yourself- A guide to self compassion not selfishness

For a moment think of the people who you find inspirational.

You may find them inspirational for a number of reasons;

- they have a great talent 

- they have done great things 

- they have achieved things you wouldn't and couldn't expect 

This list could be quite endless, if it were to include every reason as to why people find other people inspirational. 

However, for a moment think about yourself, your talents, your achievements, the great things you have done. 

You might start feelings a little stuck.. feeling uncomfortable? 

Thats natural, strangely, because we live in a society that we barely celebrate our own successes in life, that we do not act kindly to ourselves, as we would others.. but why? 

Because it is wrongly convinced as being self centred, narcissist, selfish. 

Understanding why we feel the way we do, and societies perceptions of looking after ourselves and being self compassionate, celebrating ourselves would be a whole discussion in itself. So instead we must assume this is what happens, and discover how to change and reprogram ourselves to be self compassionate, and see the inspirational acts we struggle to see in ourselves, but so easily see in others. 

What is self compassion though? 

I would describe it as an act in which we take the negative criticisms we give ourselves in life, and turn them up side down. Instead of being angry at yourself for not achieving something you wanted to achieve, you self comfort, self rationalise. 

An example 

'You forget an important date or meeting and let someone else down'

Think about the feelings this gives you about yourself 

'idiot you let them down', 'guilt about forgetting', 'stupidity for forgetting' 'let down'   

All or mostly very negative, self critical thoughts? 

Now picture this as your friend, who is going through a stressful situation, has a lot on their plate, and forgot a meeting, and let someone down. 

How would you comfort that person? 

'Stress can create forgetfulness', 'the person knows you didn't mean to forget, they are not angry', 'it will be okay, you can arrange another meeting', 'maybe do some self management so you don't feel so overwhelmed' 'don't beat yourself up!'

Now comfort yourself with those words, in place of the negative ones. 

That feels odd, right? It gets easier. 

Being kind and thoughtful to yourself does not mean your are being selfish, you are treating yourself as you would others. Think of the saying 'Treat others how you would like to be treated yourself'.. but do you include how you treat yourself in that? 

We so often use self criticism to motivate ourselves. 

'You need to loose weight because you are fat and ugly' 

Would you say those words to a friend if they were over weight and wanted to loose weight? 

We use hurtful words towards ourselves, without recognising how hurtful and mean we are to ourselves. 

How can we expect others to treat us kindly and nicely when we do not do this ourselves? 

So now, we can try and tackle our self criticisms, and start to act self compassionately about ourselves, and our actions. 

You just did something inspirational, you were kind and compassionate to someone in a selfless act!  And yes it does count on yourself! 

Once you start you will find small differences in yourself. I have found I am less angry towards others, and myself. 

I am so much more contented and happy!

I hope this will guide you to helping you to accept yourself, and gain self compassion, leading you to see in yourself the inspiration others see in you.

If you have any questions about this blog, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Little scavenger - Self compassionate letter to the neglected hungry me (as a child)

Dear little scavenger girl,

You tiny little thing, your hair so blonde and fluffy, your face so smiley.. but why are your eyes dark, your skin so dank, your hair so thin, your nails to brittle...

When did you last eat? When was your last meal?

Is this why you travel across town to other peoples houses and wait around until its time for tea.. hoping they offer up food?

Let me feed you, healthy, proper food, let me give you love and support.. so you don't feel the need to scavenge for your food like a street rat.

You might be given food from a skip to eat from those who are there to look after you, but this doesn't mean you are worth less than the other children.

I am sorry you were so hungry you have constant stomach pains, that you  throw up bile..because there just isn't anything else in your tiny stomach.

The hunger pain is your comfort.. the only thing that keeps you sharp, keeps you alive... the hunt for the next meal.

Then when a meal was provided, you have to eat every last piece .."Think of the starving children in Africa".. be grateful for what you have.

Force fed liver, blegh I know you hate the feeling it creates at the top of your mouth.

Picking out glass in your pasta as you eat it... the shops had started to make it harder for people to take from the skips, by putting glass and bleach in them..

Food wasn't a priority for Herion parents.. and thats not your fault, you were small, and kept quite to make sure you didn't get a wack.

You are a good child, and you don't deserve to feel the way you do, to be scared to ask for food..

I still dream of the kitchen cupboard, of you scavenging through it, looking for something, anything to eat.

Dried pasta was easy.. you and your scavenger brother would 'cook' it in the flame of the gas cooker. Dried noodles... they helped to make you feel full for a while.

I remember the day you and your brother learnt to make pitta breads, flour and water.. easy to do.

I want to tell you something.. you can put down your hunting tools, let me clean up your face.

I can look after you now, feed you well, care for you. You do not need to eat as if its your last meal, you don't need that extra bit of fat to get you through the day or until you can eat again.

Do you trust me? I trust you.. and I know all you want is for someone to make sure you get fed... I am sorry I have made you eat more than you need for fear of you starving...I know now that you won't starve again.. I have money, time and skill to feed you in the right way... and you deserve that.

Lets make your hair long and healthy, your nails and bones strong and take away those bags under your eyes.

I love you little scavenger girl, lets drop the scavenger so you can just be a girl, a healthy, happy, well fed girl.

Feel that difference in your stomach? Thats it realising that you are safe, secure and well fed.

Love you and will always feed you well

Carrie

New Year Changes - Recognising a negative relationship

Its a new year 2015 (now closer to 2030 than 2000... am I the only one that feels really old reading that?)

New Years are some of the best times to start something new, or make major changes.

Maybe this year you wish to have a more positive life, and to do that you might need to be able to recognise a negative relationship...

Growing up in care, its likely that you have come across your share of negative relationships. Some you have control over if they are in your life, others… sadly might just be stuck there until you can do something about it. 

When you become a ‘grown up’ (huh, when and how did that happen?!) You have the power to control who you have involved in your life. Some people choose to have people in their lives that have a negative effect, sometimes because they don’t have the self compassion to realise they deserve a positive relationship with that person.. or maybe.. they just accept thats how it is, and they are willing to have that person in their life regardless of the effect they have on them.

It is difficult in life to make those judgements, to decide who is worth that pain, upset… because thats the way they are, or just to say, 'nope… cya later, I deserve better than that'. 

Sometimes you got to bite your tongue, and keep someone there, because it just causes so much more distress if you choose another option. 

But what is a negative relationship? 

How can you recognise when its not healthy or good for you? 

I few things I look out for…

They expect you to give, but don’t expect to give anything back (this can be seen in many terms, from money, time or emotional care ) 

They make you feel bad for the choices you make in life 

They don’t make you feel supported

They make you feel like your pulling teeth trying to get them to think about someone other than themselves 

They verbally/physically/emotionally hurt you 

They make you feel guilty for not thinking about them first in a situation that isn't about them 

They don’t try to keep a relationship if you don’t contact them, its always you to make the effort 

They expect you to take on all of their issues without being willing to take on yours

A few examples …

These may be short term issues, in which you can simply move away from that person until you are strong enough to handle that, or they change. 

Some situations are so serious that the only choice is to cut the cord and move away from the negative relationship

The only person who can decide what is right for you at that current time, is you. You will know how much you can handle, you will know if it hurts you so bad you spend the day crying. 

Don’t ever feel bad for making a choice to keep yourself from a relationship that makes you sad, drained or upset. 

You deserve better than that, surround yourself with the positive, empowering people and break away from those who bring you down from being the best person you can be. 

It might be a long time friend, it might even be a family member. Regardless, if they don't respect you for you, and put in the same effort you do, and chastise you if your not regarding them every step of your life, make you feel worthless,  they are not worth your time, effort, emotion at that current time.

It again is then your choice how long you keep this person away from you. It might be a life time choice, or maybe just a few weeks until you feel stronger to deal with that situation. 


Be kind to yourself this year, and be your own best friend.

Happy New Year everyone!